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Oh, no, Asha. I'm so sorry. I wasn't able to check in the past day or two and this is not what I was expecting when I started to catch up on Kaizer. My heart is just breaking for you. You did so much for him - everything possible. He was so lucky to have you and be so loved. I will so miss his smiling face. I am sending you a gentle hug, knowing the pain you are going through right now. I'm so sorry.
 
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Discussion Starter · #444 ·
It’s okay, and I’m surprised to realize that I actually mean that.

I’ve had the time to think about our last week, months together, and I genuinely believe that Kaizer had this planned. Hindsight is 20/20, and I absolutely see the decline now. The very end of it was rapid, but he’d been building up to this. The last week he was with me, he gave me so many gifts. The last time he got on the couch with me (after not getting on in months), the last time he demo dogged with me, the last time we took a long car ride together, the last time he sat in his spot on the floor next to me on the couch, the last time he ate his pup cup and the last time he smiled at me. His last full day, he was able to pee on his own again, he didn’t leak. And best of all, we got to spend it together.

His very final gift was making it absolutely clear that he was ready to go. I had a brief moment of panic this morning when I woke up without him for the first time where I thought that maybe I should’ve tried some medication changes or tried to figure out what was happening. But then he would’ve had to exist even longer unable to stand, to move, to walk, with no appetite. My lively boy deserved more than that.

So I guess his very last gift was the gift of peace. I was terrified I’d make the wrong decision, that I’d let him go too early or too late. I was so nervous that maybe I had missed the sign from him - after all, I put him through all the things I said I wouldn’t. But it never felt like he was ready until yesterday.

So I’ll miss him forever, and I’m sad that our life together has ended and now I have to figure out how to live without him again. But I’m so grateful that he got to go peacefully, on his own terms, with very minimal suffering. I’m glad that I don’t have very many regrets, that I don’t feel like I gave up on him or feel guilty for letting him go. I firmly believe I did the best thing I could for him considering what he was already dealing with, and I know that that’s entirely because he told me. I’m glad I listened.

This is what he looked like a week ago, and this is how I will remember him. It’s not how he looked yesterday.
Dog Carnivore Dog breed Grass Companion dog
 

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I am so glad you are at peace with your decision. You have always put Kaiser's best interest first and this was the ultimate choice. You will always miss your sweet boy but it will not always be as painful to think of him.
 
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I'm so very sorry, Asha. Hugs to you......Hard to find words through the tears....
 
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Asha, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your posts here and on FB have made me tear up for the last two days.
I’m so glad you got to spend the last 51 weeks with Kaizer. Almost a full year full of more Kaizer time, when things were really starting to look bleak last year. But he held on, and I know you were able to take him on more adventures and cross things off his bucket list over the last year. I know you will cherish those memories with him forever. I’m keeping you and Kaizer in my thoughts 💕
 

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I've been thinking a lot about you in the past few days. I'm glad your sweet boy is home with you. How are you doing? And how is Eden? She must be missing him, too.
 
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I hope you find some comfort now that he's home with you x
 

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Discussion Starter · #457 ·
I've been thinking a lot about you in the past few days. I'm glad your sweet boy is home with you. How are you doing? And how is Eden? She must be missing him, too.
I am okay, I think. Truthfully the grieving process has not been at all what I expected. I am mostly at peace with my decision and how it happened. It kinda sucks to know I made the best decision for him but wish he was still around.

Eden is okay too. Her and Kaizer laid together a lot so the first couple of days she wasn’t sure what to do with herself (especially at night). Also the day we lost Kaizer was also the day that the two labs I had boarding with me went home, so poor Eden went from one of four dogs to one dog in a day.
 

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I'm glad you're doing well. You did make the best decision for him. Sweet boy. I'm glad you and Eden have each other.
 
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I’m
Sorry Kaizer is not physically here but through all your updates and amazing strength we have got to know and love him. Your aptly titled post was the most insightful and deep connection you had with him. You- lucky to have such a sweet boy- He lucky to have you as his Mommy. He will
Live forever in our hearts. I pray you know you did everything you could to give him the best life and love him enough to let him run free. XO
 

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Discussion Starter · #460 ·
Thank you, I very much appreciate that.

It’s been two weeks today. Most of the time, I cannot believe I actually went through with it and didn’t change my mind. I miss him so badly. And of course, as time goes on and the missing gets worse, I do wonder if I made the right decision. But then I think about it, and I genuinely think he would have suffered had I tried any longer. While I’ll never know what went wrong and I’ll never really know if I could’ve gotten more time, I take comfort in the fact that I know he didn’t suffer.

Dog Dog breed Gesture Carnivore Kiss
 
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