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It was a month yesterday since I lost Luke to an aggressive cancer.

I wrote this long post yesterday and my computer froze up. I moved along because I didn't feel like retyping it all.

This has been one tough month. Falling in love with a Golden Retriever is not for sissies.

I've cried every day at one point or another. My sleep is wrecked. I wake up around 4:00 a.m. or so and stay up an hour, fall back to sleep, and then get up at 6:00 a.m. I'll be glad when that gets back to normal.

I've been occasionally singing the song I sang to Luke all the time to cheer myself up and so I won't forget it. I need to make a journal entry about life with Luke while things are still pretty fresh in my mind.

I've had a good dream. Luke got up on the bed in it and laid his head across my tummy like he would when sleeping with us. I petted his head and it was very soft as usual. The dream felt so real and was very comforting.

I've also had a couple of times where I heard Luke's bark -- a single bark -- very distinctively. It was the exact bark he would give me to alert me to something or to let me know he needed to go outside now. That was never a during the night thing until he was sick, but he was a good boy about doing it. I jerked awake each time and, of course, didn't see Luke. Maybe he's telling me I'd better start enjoying life without him a little bit better. We had so much happy times together.

I also had a dream a few days before Luke went downhill and I don't think I shared it. It was a very comforting dream:

He was running around at what in my dream was "the beach", but it actually looked like a big mountain waterfall that flowed into the ocean. He was running around happy and ran across the top of the waterfall right before where it flowed downhill. I was hollering for Luke to come back because I didn't want him to fall. Well, he dove off that waterfall like an Olympic diver.

When he came up out of the water he had a huge and glowing goldfish in his mouth. It was like light was emitting from it all over. He walked over to the side of the ocean/lake water and came up on some rocks and a grassy area with his big fish. Luke looked so happy and stood so proudly with it.

That was it. It makes me feel better about Luke -- like I was being let known he was going to be in a wonderful place, healthy, and full of happiness.

I miss Luke so much. I know this will get better. I've experienced grief before -- my mother passed (cancer) when I was 31, my father when I was 36 -- he was 80, my brother when I was 21 (he was 24/a car wreck -- he was in a coma two weeks and then died), and I lost one of my sisters a couple of years ago to breast cancer. So, I know it's tough. I swear this sounds terrible. I am very close to my family. I feel like losing a dog hurts even more. Maybe it's because they are like children we raise and then even as adults, we're still taking care of them and responsible for their well being and making important decisions for them.

I've ordered a memory box for Luke which will have a photo of Luke, his tag, a clay paw print and something printed in script that I'm going to write about him. It will have his name on a brass plate and D.O.B. and date he went to heaven.

I'm going to have a painting done of him too.

On a happier note, I've made arrangements to get another Golden Retriever puppy in the next six to eight months or so. I miss having one already. I know it won't be exactly the same, but I have plenty of love to give to another Golden who will show me why he is such a special boy.

Here's a few photos of Luke in his first year of life. I forget how quickly they grow! I've been reading puppy posts to remind me what puppyhood is like. Reading them are bringing back lots of memories.















That last one reminds me of how much their coat comes in over the first few years. Luke had so much more of a coat as an adult.


Thanks for listening. I promise I won't write one of these each month. Onward I forge. It makes me sad because each day is one more day longer since I last saw Luke. Hopefully, one day I will see it as one day closer to when I get to see Luke again.
 

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"Falling in love with a golden retriever is not for sissies"

That says it all.

I still deeply miss Cirrus, who died in 1987 at the age of six. But mostly what I remember now is the joy and laughter he brought into our home. I wish that for you, as well.
 

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"Falling in love with a golden retriever is not for sissies"

That says it all.

I still deeply miss Cirrus, who died in 1987 at the age of six. But mostly what I remember now is the joy and laughter he brought into our home. I wish that for you, as well.
Thank you. That's how I feel about my deceased people family members. I look forward to seeing them and I smile when I think of them. I know it will come with Luke too.
 

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"I feel like losing a dog hurts even more. Maybe it's because they are like children we raise and then even as adults, we're still taking care of them and responsible for their well being and making important decisions for them."
It hurts more because it is the purest form of love . Or just basic LOVE whatever it really means. They remind us of our capability of loving and brings out the best in us despite all the hatred of the world. They are the inhabitant of the small,sterile paradise we create for ourselves. Maybe, it will not feel the same at the beginning with your puppy but it will one day once you collect memories.
Beautiful what you have written about Luke...
 

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This a beautiful post and if it helps you; go right ahead and do one every month. You've had way too much experience with grief and I wish you had been able to have Luke with you forever. I think your dream was definitely a divine way of letting you know Luke will be okay until you are together again.
 

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I just read a book ‘lessons from Lucy’ by Dave Barry. He nails it so well - what we get from dogs (lucy a mix) and how unique that bond is. I laughed and cried. (If you haven’t read Dave Barry’s columns before, his stories always have a dose of humor).
I recommend the book.
And I also believe that your beautiful Luke will will always keep a bit of joy’ in your heart.
Take care.
 

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"I feel like losing a dog hurts even more. Maybe it's because they are like children we raise and then even as adults, we're still taking care of them and responsible for their well being and making important decisions for them."
It hurts more because it is the purest form of love . Or just basic LOVE whatever it really means. They remind us of our capability of loving and brings out the best in us despite all the hatred of the world. They are the inhabitant of the small,sterile paradise we create for ourselves. Maybe, it will not feel the same at the beginning with your puppy but it will one day once you collect memories.
Beautiful what you have written about Luke...
True. There's no love like it.
 

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This a beautiful post and if it helps you; go right ahead and do one every month. You've had way too much experience with grief and I wish you had been able to have Luke with you forever. I think your dream was definitely a divine way of letting you know Luke will be okay until you are together again.
Thank you. Sometimes, right at the beginning for a short while, it feels rather cumulative. The dream was wonderful. It seemed even more so like a message after the fact, given the timing.
 

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I just read a book ‘lessons from Lucy’ by Dave Barry. He nails it so well - what we get from dogs (lucy a mix) and how unique that bond is. I laughed and cried. (If you haven’t read Dave Barry’s columns before, his stories always have a dose of humor).
I recommend the book.
And I also believe that your beautiful Luke will will always keep a bit of joy’ in your heart.
Take care.
Thank you. I love to read and appreciate the recommendation. Yes, I know of Dave Barry and like him a lot. I'll look for this book. Luke had plenty of joy to spare. ?
 

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Your post has touched the hearts of all of us who have lost our Goldens over the years. Losing them is living torture but then we go on to share our hearts with another. Life is too sad without a Golden in our lives....it's true.
 

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Your post really touched me and jerked a few tears. I am so sorry for your loss and never feel guilty for how you feel! A dog (especially a golden) is someone so dear to our hearts. Luke was such a handsome boy you were very lucky to have him. Wishing you the best, I know it's not easy but hang in there! Luke would want you to be happy
 

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Your post has touched the hearts of all of us who have lost our Goldens over the years. Losing them is living torture but then we go on to share our hearts with another. Life is too sad without a Golden in our lives....it's true.
True. I definitely want to have a Golden for as long as I can in life.
 

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Your post really touched me and jerked a few tears. I am so sorry for your loss and never feel guilty for how you feel! A dog (especially a golden) is someone so dear to our hearts. Luke was such a handsome boy you were very lucky to have him. Wishing you the best, I know it's not easy but hang in there! Luke would want you to be happy
Thank you. He definitely would. I made sure to find joy each day in his last four months when we were swimming, walking, and vacationing. Luke seemed to be happy if I was happy.
 

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so handsome....my 5 year old golden has apocrine anal sac adrenal carcinoma..I didn't do anything invasive because of the type...typically that means 2 months without surgery with a 3cm and hers is 36! 50% reoccurrence w surgery and 30%risk of incontinence...CBD is working well..I have cried every day for 6 weeks fearing the inevitable...so an opportunity came out of the blue to get her niece (brother is the sire)...amazing breeder and the airline wouldn't let puppy on plane so buyer walked!!KARMA!!! I couldn't pass up a little piece of my Allie so I jumped on a plane and flew to Nebraska..the whole time I thought what am I doing???!!! The puppy was the right thing....she is wrestling and playing with my other two, and I am crying less because I know the one and a half year old will not be left alone! Everyone thought I was crazy, and I think so too when we are crating! If she was not related, I would have waited but it just happened. It will for you too!!! I am dreading the day, but Willow the new puppy has really helped...I swear by CBD and Life Gold cancer support!
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. What you wrote about Luke is beautiful and such a lovely tribute to him. You definitely brought tears to my eyes especially since we lost our Odin in Jan. It hurts so much when we lose them but the love and joy they give us in the time we have with them makes it all worth it. And losing them will never take that away. You get to cherish those memories and love forever.
 

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I am so glad you shared your dreams with us...they were so wonderful. I truly believe when we dream about our fur babies, it is their way of coming back to let us know, they will always be with us and know how much we miss. Luke's puppy pictures are totally adorable. You will always cherish those. As others have said losing our dogs are very difficult..because they were such a major part of our life. I know that Luke will be happy that you will take in a new dog down the road. Just be warned, he will coach the new one one to know the things you love and enjoy. I wish you peace of mind as you continue going through the grieving...it's not easy..but it will become easier as pain turns to pleasant memories.
 

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so handsome....my 5 year old golden has apocrine anal sac adrenal carcinoma..I didn't do anything invasive because of the type...typically that means 2 months without surgery with a 3cm and hers is 36! 50% reoccurrence w surgery and 30%risk of incontinence...CBD is working well..I have cried every day for 6 weeks fearing the inevitable...so an opportunity came out of the blue to get her niece (brother is the sire)...amazing breeder and the airline wouldn't let puppy on plane so buyer walked!!KARMA!!! I couldn't pass up a little piece of my Allie so I jumped on a plane and flew to Nebraska..the whole time I thought what am I doing???!!! The puppy was the right thing....she is wrestling and playing with my other two, and I am crying less because I know the one and a half year old will not be left alone! Everyone thought I was crazy, and I think so too when we are crating! If she was not related, I would have waited but it just happened. It will for you too!!! I am dreading the day, but Willow the new puppy has really helped...I swear by CBD and Life Gold cancer support!
Thank you. I'm sorry for the terrible diagnosis, but happy you have found something effective to help alleviate pain. I'm glad you have found some happiness in a new puppy. :)
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. What you wrote about Luke is beautiful and such a lovely tribute to him. You definitely brought tears to my eyes especially since we lost our Odin in Jan. It hurts so much when we lose them but the love and joy they give us in the time we have with them makes it all worth it. And losing them will never take that away. You get to cherish those memories and love forever.
Thank you. I'm sorry for you loss of Odin. It looks like he had a long happy life and I know you're thankful for that -- but yes, it is so hard to lose them. If I had my way, they'd just live as long as we do. ? You're right though -- we always have the love and joy they have given us. Luke's love will always be with me.

I love the name Odin, by the way. I'm a very big fan of Thor and Asgard also. Names from Mythology are some of my favorites. I almost named Luke "Apollo" and sometimes when he practically glowed in the sun out by the pool, I knew that would have been a good name for him too. His namesake was Paul Newman (Cool Hand Luke) and that suited him very well -- both the very good looks and the personality.
 
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