It was a month yesterday since I lost Luke to an aggressive cancer.
I wrote this long post yesterday and my computer froze up. I moved along because I didn't feel like retyping it all.
This has been one tough month. Falling in love with a Golden Retriever is not for sissies.
I've cried every day at one point or another. My sleep is wrecked. I wake up around 4:00 a.m. or so and stay up an hour, fall back to sleep, and then get up at 6:00 a.m. I'll be glad when that gets back to normal.
I've been occasionally singing the song I sang to Luke all the time to cheer myself up and so I won't forget it. I need to make a journal entry about life with Luke while things are still pretty fresh in my mind.
I've had a good dream. Luke got up on the bed in it and laid his head across my tummy like he would when sleeping with us. I petted his head and it was very soft as usual. The dream felt so real and was very comforting.
I've also had a couple of times where I heard Luke's bark -- a single bark -- very distinctively. It was the exact bark he would give me to alert me to something or to let me know he needed to go outside now. That was never a during the night thing until he was sick, but he was a good boy about doing it. I jerked awake each time and, of course, didn't see Luke. Maybe he's telling me I'd better start enjoying life without him a little bit better. We had so much happy times together.
I also had a dream a few days before Luke went downhill and I don't think I shared it. It was a very comforting dream:
He was running around at what in my dream was "the beach", but it actually looked like a big mountain waterfall that flowed into the ocean. He was running around happy and ran across the top of the waterfall right before where it flowed downhill. I was hollering for Luke to come back because I didn't want him to fall. Well, he dove off that waterfall like an Olympic diver.
When he came up out of the water he had a huge and glowing goldfish in his mouth. It was like light was emitting from it all over. He walked over to the side of the ocean/lake water and came up on some rocks and a grassy area with his big fish. Luke looked so happy and stood so proudly with it.
That was it. It makes me feel better about Luke -- like I was being let known he was going to be in a wonderful place, healthy, and full of happiness.
I miss Luke so much. I know this will get better. I've experienced grief before -- my mother passed (cancer) when I was 31, my father when I was 36 -- he was 80, my brother when I was 21 (he was 24/a car wreck -- he was in a coma two weeks and then died), and I lost one of my sisters a couple of years ago to breast cancer. So, I know it's tough. I swear this sounds terrible. I am very close to my family. I feel like losing a dog hurts even more. Maybe it's because they are like children we raise and then even as adults, we're still taking care of them and responsible for their well being and making important decisions for them.
I've ordered a memory box for Luke which will have a photo of Luke, his tag, a clay paw print and something printed in script that I'm going to write about him. It will have his name on a brass plate and D.O.B. and date he went to heaven.
I'm going to have a painting done of him too.
On a happier note, I've made arrangements to get another Golden Retriever puppy in the next six to eight months or so. I miss having one already. I know it won't be exactly the same, but I have plenty of love to give to another Golden who will show me why he is such a special boy.
Here's a few photos of Luke in his first year of life. I forget how quickly they grow! I've been reading puppy posts to remind me what puppyhood is like. Reading them are bringing back lots of memories.
That last one reminds me of how much their coat comes in over the first few years. Luke had so much more of a coat as an adult.
Thanks for listening. I promise I won't write one of these each month. Onward I forge. It makes me sad because each day is one more day longer since I last saw Luke. Hopefully, one day I will see it as one day closer to when I get to see Luke again.