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Does it ever stop hurting?

7K views 54 replies 34 participants last post by  LoganCrew 
#1 ·
We're 3-weeks into this mess we call grief and I cannot seem to catch my breath. I was updating my signature photo and as I added her date of death I lost it. I am waiting for her to come greet me- it is like my heart and mind hasn't caught up to reality yet.


I am just so sad... and even more sad that typically it was HER that help me feel better and now it is her absence that has broken me.


Just missing my girl..
 
#2 · (Edited)
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is just the most terrible pain. That breathe taking grief, burst into tears grief does go away but I'm not surprised it is still there after three weeks. I'd say I was an uncontrollable mess for a good two weeks and then in a complete fog for a month. I still cry when I talk about Coby and it has been a year and 4 months. I just got a new puppy about 8 weeks ago. It helps but I still love Coby and think of him and miss him. They are all such individuals! Just know it takes time and don't get discouraged thinking it's taking too long. We all understand how much you miss her and please talk about her as much as you want! God bless Bayleigh and we all know she's having loads of fun at Rainbow Bridge with the rest of our lost fuzzy kids. You will be in our thoughts as you go through this very difficult time. Bless you.
 
#3 ·
Yes, I know what you mean. Look, I hate to sound negative, but I don't think you ever get over the loss of a special friend. But you do get used to it. And, suddenly, when you least expect it, you find yourself smiling at a memory of a day when you were happy, you and your Bayleigh, and you are glad of the time you spent together. That is the day you know your heart will heal, with its scars, and your Bayleigh has earned her peace in your memories.
 
#4 ·
In a word, no. It gets easier, but the hurt is never totally gone. At least not for me.
 
#5 ·
Having a new puppy in the house has helped us, but just reading about your heartache got me all upset again...so no, I don't think it ever really stops, but that's not such a bad thing. What does help is allowing that pain to then turn to memories that bring warmth and joy. Let it be a reminder of the wonderful gift of love Bayleigh gave you.
 
#7 ·
I am very sorry for your loss. Someone once told me grief is like waves in the ocean. Sometimes they come in sets and we can hardly catch our breath. Sometimes it's nice and calm with no waves in sight and sometimes a wave comes out of nowhere without warning. I'm sorry for you loss and wish you mostly "calm seas".
 
#9 ·
Thank you for your honesty.


You're all right. I have done grief before and I know it never fully goes away; we just learn to live with it. It is all so new and fresh and raw. The guilt is intense and it is one of the worst emotions we experience in my opinion.


Bayleigh was with us through 99% of my marriage, through 3 kids, death, life celebrations. It is so weird to try and move forward when a vital piece of the puzzle is missing in the physical sense. We lost lots of dogs growing up, and each one hurt and stung, but this is so vastly different.


She was our dog. She was my friend and confidant. I've cried myself to sleep apologizing to her, hoping she can hear, that I wasn't home when she flew to Heaven. Had I had any inclination that she was on her way out, I would have stayed. But it is too late for those regrets.


I miss her with every ounce of my soul. I feel so guilty- did Dory cause too much stress on her? Here I was thinking she'd love having a friend and she protested that little ball of fluff from day one.


Dory keeps us busy. She is an energetic, full of life and love, blessing all of her own. I just am struggling to bond with her- part of me thinks its because I would feel disloyal to Bayleigh; the other parts is because I think I genuinely fear the moment we fully click and then I have to go through this all over again. She continues to wiggle herself into my heart, and I am blessed to have her to keep me occupied- and gosh knows she has been God send for my kids who also have aching hearts... but, while we love her, and want her, and enjoy her, she isn't Bayleigh. Bayleigh was Velcro, and empathy, and intuitive. This will likely come with Dory, but right now she is an independent, mess-causing- little ball of mischief who makes it impossible not to love her.


Anyway, I am blessed to be here and have those who really get it- not just generic I am sorries, but a true understanding of the magnitude of a loss of a dog- who didn't know she was a dog- and the aching that they leave behind when they inevitably leave.
 
#11 ·
Yes it does, but not completely.

My Cinnabon died about a year ago. I have an oil painting of him floating on a mat in a body of water, with his front paws soaking. He used to sit by the pool and soak his front paws like that.... I can occasionally tear up when I look at it and think of him. Really never goes away but becomes less acute, if that makes any sense.
 
#12 · (Edited)
Well, I'm preaching to the choir when I state the obvious here:

Golden Retrievers are the best dogs. Ever.

I've only owned 1 and a half goldens, but I believe your dog will always be with you in spirit and every time you want to visit them, and cry, they are right there. Both of mine still reside in my heart. It hasn't gone away since my Lupo died, nor do I expect to ever forget Fenris.

Now the door opens, and puppy Bagheera enters my heart. He is not Lupo nor is he Fenris; to compare him or hold him to those legends wouldn't be fair. He will be who he is. But only another dog eases some of the pain. That's how I feel. If you love, and truly and deeply love, you have nothing to apologize for. If there's an afterlife, I am certain they understand. All dogs, and kids too really, are prep school for your next dog, or kid. :)
 
#13 ·
It will get easier.
I've lost quite a few dogs. Some after long illnesses, some very suddenly. The heartbreak is the same either way. However, as time goes by, I found myself thinking more about all the things they did that made me happy than I thought about my loss. I miss each one I've lost and wish I had them a bit longer, but when I think about them now, it doesn't make me sad. I can remember all the good stuff and how much joy they brought me, and that makes me smile.
Focus most on the memories you love, your dog would want it no other way.
It will get better.
 
#14 ·
I think circumstances is an issue as well ... I have lost both my parents and 2 Goldens ...I always told them I would be there for them and I was lucky enough to be able to keep my promises .... none of them passed alone .... I have yet to experience not being there... as bad as the grief was for all the above . I don't know how much worse it could be if I wasn't there as I promised but it seems to me to be much harder !!!! and I hope I never run into that situation... all I know is I'm booking my flight to the "Bridge"
 
#17 ·
Yeah, she wasn't totally alone. My dad was there with her, holding her, but it wasn't us. She loved her papa- as she knew how much he was all about the dogs . My siblings and I joke that Dad loves his dogs more than us! ;) This brought some comfort, but doesn't replace the guilt. Had I known.. I wouldn't have boarded the flight.. but she was leaping as I was packing the car for the airport begging for a bagel before we left. She got sick on Thursday, dead on Sunday. It's just surreal.
 
#19 ·
It does get easier with time, and each loss is different. I think the first one is always the hardest, and I also find that it hits me really hard about six months later too. There will be a day that you will be able to think of her, look at a picture, and smile.
 
#20 ·
Thanks, friends.


I am not sure how some of you have gone through this time and time again... my heart just hurts thinking about doing it at least one-more time. I guess I need to stop focusing on that and focus on bonding with this wildly mischievous puppy who is continually working her way into my heart. :)
 
#21 ·
The only way that helped was to wait for a time .... not to long though and consider bringing home a beautiful "New" best friend .... I know it may not be everyone's cup of tea but I have always needed a golden in my life and I believe my bridge-boys want me to have one as well ...who am I to not listen to the best fur buddies in the world ....
 
#22 ·
No, I don't think the pain of losing our loved ones ever gets easier, we do get a little better in dealing with it - but for me the pain is always there. I understand your feeling of guilt for not being there with her, If we all had the benefit of hindsight wouldn't we be blessed, but sadly we don't.

Dory will be the one who will help you through this sad time. When we lost Ginny in 2007, we then got Quinn, we still had Holly (Ginny's sister) who I too thought would take to Quinn, she didn't initially - it took time. I firmly believe that we were meant to have Quinn, Holly stayed with us for another nine months before she went to the bridge( I think she stayed long enough to teach him some manners) and Quinn in his goofy way gave us something to focus on, a reason to get up in the mornings. Do not feel guilty about Dory - she will soon wiggle into her own place in your hearts, next to Bayleigh's place.

Take care and don;t be so hard on yourself - the day will eventually come when you can remember Bayleigh with a smile, but you will stop missing her
 
#23 ·
I'm so sorry for your loss and your grief, its been over 6 years since I lost my heart girl and I'm tearing up now seeing the pain that you are in. I promise, it gets easier but you must be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. She wasn't 'just a dog', she was a beloved family member who has seen you through many years and so many hard times. I know that you are wondering how you can get through any hard times to come without her, but you will, just know that she is with you in your heard.


Try to understand that guilt is a natural part of your grieving process - there are always things that we think we would do differently, but hindsight is a torturous thing. Its clear that Bayleigh was and is so loved by you and you did everything that you could.
 
#24 ·
I'm very sorry for your loss.

I agree with the other posters: no, it never goes away, but you get used to the "new normal" over time. I lost my heart-and-soul dog, Nikki 19 years ago this month and every single August I still find myself to be weepy and teary-eyed occasionally when I think about her. 19 years later!!! :eek:

3 weeks is such a tiny amount of time - I think I was probably still curled in a ball 3 weeks after Nikki's passing.

Be very kind and gentle to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Take things one day at a time and gradually your healing will begin and your heart will hurt a little less. And make sure to spend lots of time with that new puppy. Nothing feels better than puppy kisses!

{hugs}
 
#25 ·
Tufts Veterinary school has some great links on grieving for a pet. There have been studies that sometimes it is harder to lose a pet than it is a family member ( I am not trying to compare this with the loss of your little girl, because losing a child is probably the greatest of all losses ), mostly because the love of that animal is unconditional and that animal is with us sometimes 24 hours a day, totally dependent on us. The problem is that society does not allow us to mourn them the way we should, with people thinking he was only a pet.

I will always have multiple dogs, just so that I am never without. This helps me with the healing. I have also found that the older dogs teach the younger ones little tricks or habits - and always love when I see a little something of my dogs that are now gone, in the dogs that I now have.
 
#27 ·
Thanks.. I think you're all right. :)


We will eventually get another, but right now Dory is so young that I am fairly sure any habits she teaches wouldn't be good ones, lol.


It is crazy as we had always only had one and now going back to one, from two, it seems like the dynamic is hard to get used to.
 
#28 ·
Not really.

We lost our Jasmine last May just about the time we brought Penny home and I was a wreck, but Penny reminds me so much of Jasmine that it's a little easier I think. The two are so similar in personality.

Bailey we lost a year ago on Monday and that one still stings pretty good. I don't out right cry so much anymore, but I do get the choked up snuffy thing probably once a week still. They were my first babies and I miss them dearly.
 

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#29 ·
I'm 18 months into the process of grieving my "heart" dog, and to answer your question, it doesn't go away but it does become more bearable.

One of the difficulties of grieving a dog that was a support resource during an important event in your life, or that took you on a particular journey, is that the memories of the dog are associated in your mind with the event or journey. So there is the grief, and there is also that added dimension to the loss. It does, I think, take time to sort it all out.

I waited almost a year after Ruby's death to bring another dog into my home, and even then I hesitated.

My journey through the first year after my dog's death is described here:

Losing Ruby
 
#32 ·
It took me nearly two-hours to read about Ruby and even longer to comment. Every word is so painfully true. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

And yes, the connection to a life event. Oh was she ever. She was the last piece of memories of my first daughter. The one who didn't stop calling, and life didn't carry on. She knew the second I needed her, and I knew when she needed me. Saying goodbye is closing that chapter finally, too. She's solely the reason we came out even half way complete- and now we learn how to live without her.

The world will continue to rotate, even if you're frozen still...
 
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#30 ·
I am an old pro at grieving for dogs. I lost my first in Nov. 1956. My parents wre going to get me a watch for my 11thbirthday. We were poor country farm folks, not much money. I was walking over to my cousins one day and a guy u the lane had his English Setter out in the yard with her pups. I never made it to my cousins and I wanted one of those puppies so bad. Daddy had a setter and a pointer for quail hunting, but I wanted one of my own and I had to chose between a $10 watch or a $10 puppy and I opted for the puppy, a beautiful white and gold puppy I named Beauty. I only had her 5 months. But I loved her so much and now, 60 yers later, I will still dry thinking of her, and so regretting we took no pictures--which was a rare thing back then.

Since they I lost several more English Setters--Rascal, Duchess, Mitzi, Pixie, Mack, Pongo, two Irirsh Setters--Red and Boots, five goldens--Scooter, Hunter (my heart dog), Buck, KayCee and Honey and one Great Pyrenees, Shaggy. It never gets easier and talking of any one of them can bring tears. But I try to keep it all good things.

When I lost my heart dog, Hunter (my avatar) on Oct. 16, 2003, I was so crushed because not only was he my soul mate of dogs, I blamed myself. I had taken him off the Interceptor heart worm prevention and put him o the ProHeart6 six month injection and it killed him. He spent 8 days in ICU and I visited him 3 times a day with boiled chicken, even ice cream. I got to take him outside (carrying his IV bag) and sit with him. On that last visit in late afternoon I knew in my heart he was not going to make it. And less than an hour after I got home I got the call he was gone. And I was not there with him. Ihad killed him and then not been there for him at the time of his death. I lost 40 pounds. Then he "vivisted me" using his sister's body to let me know he loved me still, didn't blame me, knew I loved him so much, and after that, I came to my senses and knew it was the fault of the drug comnay. they kep a product out they knew was killing so many dogs. And later the FDA made them pull it. It was off the market for 4 years being reformulated.

No, you never forget, but with time tears will turn to smiles, tho an occasional crying spell with over take you. I always found having another dog to love helps.
 
#31 ·
I am sorry for your heartache. I truly am.

The only way I know to get through to the other side of your grief is to embrace it; for in that embracing comes acceptance. Then one day you realize you have a gentle smile on your face as a memory surfaces, that you can truly release your dog so they can continue their journey and thank them for sharing your life and bringing you joy.

It does take time. Be gentle on yourself and how you feel.
 
#33 ·
Hi Lisa, I've just been reading your posts and especially ceegee's "Losing Ruby", which was beautifully written. All say exactly my feelings at the moment. I was lucky enough to have Allie with me at work, home, everywhere, so for almost 10 1/2 years we were together every day. The house is so empty now it's unbearable. I went for my first walk tonight, the first without her and I'm glad it was dark. Watching other people walk their dogs, and as I passed all her favorite "sniffing spots" without having to stop as usual I cried constantly. Tried cleaning up her dishes and toys (scattered throughout the house) today but wasn't able to finish the job as it's too heartbreaking right now. Friends have been a big help, but no one seems to "get it" like the people on this forum. Golden's are such an incredible dog. I've been in a fog the last 10 days and I know it will get better with time, but this will take a very long time for me. Again I'm sorry for your loss and I hope Dory is helping. After losing 2 of these beautiful dogs now I don't know if I'll ever be able to get another, so many of them pass WAY too early and there are so many heartbreaking stories.... Take care and all the best to you and your family, Dave
 
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