I know so many of you on this forum have gone through, or are currently experiencing the grief that I am over losing Oakley. I am sorry to keep posting but this is consuming me. I feel guilty for feeling bitter and that in some sense I feel that I was ripped off - my head is exploding with all of these mixed and conflicting feelings.
- I am bitter that I lost Oakley at the young age of 9, when others have their golden babies well into their teens - but then when I read of those who have gone to the Bridge much younger than 9, the tears flow and I feel I should be grateful.
- I am angry that we had no time with Oakley after he was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma - yet I am relieved that we had no difficult heart wrenching decisions to make about surgery vs no surgery, when was the "right" time vs "too soon/late" etc
- I am confused about 'why Oakley?' .... we have been through so many health issues with Seger we had prepared ourselves mentally to lose him first, although the thought of that equally devastates us
- I am so mad at myself for taking a contract which took me away from home for 3 days a week for the 4 months prior to losing Oakley - I robbed myself of 48 days with Oakley - oh if only I had known he was sick I would have spent every moment with him, taken more pictures.....
- I am so angry that we did not react to the very subtle changes in Oakley's behavior - would you call the vet if your dog suddenly seemed happy to lie down in the kitchen waiting for dinner rather than pushing agianst the counter like usual? when he seemed to lie on his tummy more than sprawled out on his side? when he fell asleep in the grass by the boathouse rather than up on the deck near where dad was working where he always was? I "saw" but missed all of these signs .... if I had acted would I still have Oakley??
- I have very few pictures of Oakley and me ..... but I treasure all of the pics I took capturing Oakley loving life and everything and everyone around him.
- I am sad Oakley spent 9 years being "managed" by Seger - we never got a handle on Seger's assertiveness with Oakley ... and for that I kick myself - all the trainers, the behaviorists, the consults, the tests, the books, food changes, supplements, blood work .... we never figured it out. Yet when I look at pictures of the 2 of them running and wrestling I feel perhaps this relationship was "natural" for Oakley and it bothered me more than it did him.
- I so want another golden - our home feels so empty - not a puppy but an older rescue - but I don't know if bringing an older golden into our home would add friendship and companionship for Seger, or would it just bring on another relationship like Seger had with Oakley, another baby for Seger to feel the need to manage? Seger seems to have relaxed since Oakley passed and I feel bad that he was apparently so stressed with his perceived role in the household for 9 years. Having said all of this I don't feel we are near ready to add another family member - I am looking to fill a void but I don't think emotionally I am ready.
I am sure this post makes me sound ridiculous ..... I'm a mess ....I just do not know how to move on . I miss Oakley so much
Thanks for listening - there are few other people I could ever relay any of this to.