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Old 01-19-2013, 05:20 PM
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Carol
 
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So Many Feelings About Losing Oakley

I know so many of you on this forum have gone through, or are currently experiencing the grief that I am over losing Oakley. I am sorry to keep posting but this is consuming me. I feel guilty for feeling bitter and that in some sense I feel that I was ripped off - my head is exploding with all of these mixed and conflicting feelings.
- I am bitter that I lost Oakley at the young age of 9, when others have their golden babies well into their teens - but then when I read of those who have gone to the Bridge much younger than 9, the tears flow and I feel I should be grateful.
- I am angry that we had no time with Oakley after he was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma - yet I am relieved that we had no difficult heart wrenching decisions to make about surgery vs no surgery, when was the "right" time vs "too soon/late" etc
- I am confused about 'why Oakley?' .... we have been through so many health issues with Seger we had prepared ourselves mentally to lose him first, although the thought of that equally devastates us
- I am so mad at myself for taking a contract which took me away from home for 3 days a week for the 4 months prior to losing Oakley - I robbed myself of 48 days with Oakley - oh if only I had known he was sick I would have spent every moment with him, taken more pictures.....
- I am so angry that we did not react to the very subtle changes in Oakley's behavior - would you call the vet if your dog suddenly seemed happy to lie down in the kitchen waiting for dinner rather than pushing agianst the counter like usual? when he seemed to lie on his tummy more than sprawled out on his side? when he fell asleep in the grass by the boathouse rather than up on the deck near where dad was working where he always was? I "saw" but missed all of these signs .... if I had acted would I still have Oakley??
- I have very few pictures of Oakley and me ..... but I treasure all of the pics I took capturing Oakley loving life and everything and everyone around him.
- I am sad Oakley spent 9 years being "managed" by Seger - we never got a handle on Seger's assertiveness with Oakley ... and for that I kick myself - all the trainers, the behaviorists, the consults, the tests, the books, food changes, supplements, blood work .... we never figured it out. Yet when I look at pictures of the 2 of them running and wrestling I feel perhaps this relationship was "natural" for Oakley and it bothered me more than it did him.
- I so want another golden - our home feels so empty - not a puppy but an older rescue - but I don't know if bringing an older golden into our home would add friendship and companionship for Seger, or would it just bring on another relationship like Seger had with Oakley, another baby for Seger to feel the need to manage? Seger seems to have relaxed since Oakley passed and I feel bad that he was apparently so stressed with his perceived role in the household for 9 years. Having said all of this I don't feel we are near ready to add another family member - I am looking to fill a void but I don't think emotionally I am ready.

I am sure this post makes me sound ridiculous ..... I'm a mess ....I just do not know how to move on . I miss Oakley so much

Thanks for listening - there are few other people I could ever relay any of this to.
Carol
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:25 PM
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Your post brings tears to my eyes. Am so very sorry for all of the emotions that you're feeling! Nine years old was way too soon to loose your Oakley! Grief has so many ugly faces! Symptoms of hemangiosarcoma are so hard to catch. Even catching it, frequently nothing could be done. In many cases catching it doesn't alter the outcome. You did everything that you could do and your boy knows that. Grief over loosing your beloved Oakley is what is causing you to doubt yourself. He would not want you to be cruel to yourself.

There is no one here that will feel that your post is ridiculous. We are all messes when we loose our precious gold. We are all here for you as you work through this tragic time. The people that don't understand are truly the poor and ridiculous. Very sorry that you are going through such a dark time. Please know that we're here for you and keeping you in our thoughts.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessDi View Post

There is no one here that will feel that your post is ridiculous.
My thoughts exactly.... Grief is a difficult thing to process and work through. If you've never had a member of your immediate family die, someone who lives with you and is there every single morning when you wake up and every single night when you lay down to go to sleep, it is completely unexpected how devastating the grief over losing a special dog can be. There is a giant hole in your household now, it is normal and understandable that you are going through a very difficult period. Seger is not Oakley and no one is going to take his place. In time, the right path will show itself to you and it will help you move on. You will know when you're ready.

Carol, please go easy on yourself, realize that you are going through textbook grief right now and allow yourself to feel the emotions and just breathe. There honestly are steps that you have to take, one at a time, to get through it and all the things you listed in your OP are normal. Oakley will always be with you, will be a part of you forever. It's going to take time for your heart to heal. Please let this forum help you through it. I'm praying for your peace....

Kristy
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:46 PM
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Carol

I can relate to everything you said. I am sure that Oakley felt very loved by you. We, too, were so worried about Smooch's health and our Samoyed, Snobear, went of hemangiosarcoma before the age of 10 years old. We were in shock. The good thing is that he didn't linger and suffer.

I think that maybe if you foster another Golden, you will see if it is a good fit for you and for Seger and for the dog. I really think this would help you with your grief. I'm only speaking for my Husband and I, but we never can really start healing until we adopt another dog.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:59 PM
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Carol,

Your post sounds absolutely normal. It is filled with anger, grief and love. Continued positive thoughts and prayers for your family. We all may do it a little differently but I think we all understand everything you are saying.
I hope that you can move on past the anger, Oakley would want you to. You did everything you could for your boys. I think Oakley knows that.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:59 PM
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Quote:
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....I'm only speaking for my Husband and I, but we never can really start healing until we adopt another dog.

Karen, I am like this. I almost tend to be OCD and will obsess about the dog I've lost until I have a new one to help occupy my mind and my time. I know we are all different, but that is the way I am.
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:29 PM
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Carol, you are a mess because you feel so deeply, and you never have to apologize for that. Your feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. Thinking of you, Jill
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:54 PM
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My heart goes out to you. The pain is too much when we lose our beloved dogs. I miss my girl as much today as I did 7 months ago when she left me. It is a part of life that I do not like in any way, shape or form. It feels like you cannot go on but you do. Things do not seem normal any more and the world is much less bright without them. It is just so hard.
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:59 PM
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Carol, there is nothing ridiculous about grieving the loss of a beloved dog. Everyone who has ever had to say goodbye to a furry family member can relate to all those emotions. You will eventually feel better, but not before you've run the gamut of emotions that grief encompasses. Your healing may require another golden and it may not. Let your tears flow, rant and rave at the fates, try to breathe and let time pass. I cry weekly instead of daily for my Cody, and it has been 7.5 years since he died. For some people, that may seem ridiculous, while there are a small few who understand that the hole in my heart will always be there, and nothing in the world will fill it. I'm very sorry that your boy got his angel wings far too soon....,
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:05 PM
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You lost one of your babies, grieving is such a personal thing. I am so sorry for your loss, I still grieve my heart girl, and I had to put her down from bone cancer 25 years ago. I am hugging my two seniors as I read your post. Bless you, and do what you need to heal. If that is venting on here, please do so. Many of us have been there, and do understand.
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