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So Many Feelings About Losing Oakley

3K views 22 replies 17 participants last post by  Oakley&SegersMom 
#1 ·
I know so many of you on this forum have gone through, or are currently experiencing the grief that I am over losing Oakley. I am sorry to keep posting but this is consuming me. I feel guilty for feeling bitter and that in some sense I feel that I was ripped off - my head is exploding with all of these mixed and conflicting feelings.
- I am bitter that I lost Oakley at the young age of 9, when others have their golden babies well into their teens - but then when I read of those who have gone to the Bridge much younger than 9, the tears flow and I feel I should be grateful.
- I am angry that we had no time with Oakley after he was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma - yet I am relieved that we had no difficult heart wrenching decisions to make about surgery vs no surgery, when was the "right" time vs "too soon/late" etc
- I am confused about 'why Oakley?' .... we have been through so many health issues with Seger we had prepared ourselves mentally to lose him first, although the thought of that equally devastates us
- I am so mad at myself for taking a contract which took me away from home for 3 days a week for the 4 months prior to losing Oakley - I robbed myself of 48 days with Oakley - oh if only I had known he was sick I would have spent every moment with him, taken more pictures.....
- I am so angry that we did not react to the very subtle changes in Oakley's behavior - would you call the vet if your dog suddenly seemed happy to lie down in the kitchen waiting for dinner rather than pushing agianst the counter like usual? when he seemed to lie on his tummy more than sprawled out on his side? when he fell asleep in the grass by the boathouse rather than up on the deck near where dad was working where he always was? I "saw" but missed all of these signs .... if I had acted would I still have Oakley??
- I have very few pictures of Oakley and me ..... but I treasure all of the pics I took capturing Oakley loving life and everything and everyone around him.
- I am sad Oakley spent 9 years being "managed" by Seger - we never got a handle on Seger's assertiveness with Oakley ... and for that I kick myself - all the trainers, the behaviorists, the consults, the tests, the books, food changes, supplements, blood work .... we never figured it out. Yet when I look at pictures of the 2 of them running and wrestling I feel perhaps this relationship was "natural" for Oakley and it bothered me more than it did him.
- I so want another golden - our home feels so empty - not a puppy but an older rescue - but I don't know if bringing an older golden into our home would add friendship and companionship for Seger, or would it just bring on another relationship like Seger had with Oakley, another baby for Seger to feel the need to manage? Seger seems to have relaxed since Oakley passed and I feel bad that he was apparently so stressed with his perceived role in the household for 9 years. Having said all of this I don't feel we are near ready to add another family member - I am looking to fill a void but I don't think emotionally I am ready.

I am sure this post makes me sound ridiculous ..... I'm a mess ....I just do not know how to move on . I miss Oakley so much :(

Thanks for listening - there are few other people I could ever relay any of this to.
Carol
 
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#2 ·
Your post brings tears to my eyes. Am so very sorry for all of the emotions that you're feeling! Nine years old was way too soon to loose your Oakley! Grief has so many ugly faces! Symptoms of hemangiosarcoma are so hard to catch. Even catching it, frequently nothing could be done. In many cases catching it doesn't alter the outcome. You did everything that you could do and your boy knows that. Grief over loosing your beloved Oakley is what is causing you to doubt yourself. He would not want you to be cruel to yourself.

There is no one here that will feel that your post is ridiculous. We are all messes when we loose our precious gold. We are all here for you as you work through this tragic time. The people that don't understand are truly the poor and ridiculous. Very sorry that you are going through such a dark time. Please know that we're here for you and keeping you in our thoughts.
 
#3 ·
There is no one here that will feel that your post is ridiculous.
My thoughts exactly.... Grief is a difficult thing to process and work through. If you've never had a member of your immediate family die, someone who lives with you and is there every single morning when you wake up and every single night when you lay down to go to sleep, it is completely unexpected how devastating the grief over losing a special dog can be. There is a giant hole in your household now, it is normal and understandable that you are going through a very difficult period. Seger is not Oakley and no one is going to take his place. In time, the right path will show itself to you and it will help you move on. You will know when you're ready.

Carol, please go easy on yourself, realize that you are going through textbook grief right now and allow yourself to feel the emotions and just breathe. There honestly are steps that you have to take, one at a time, to get through it and all the things you listed in your OP are normal. Oakley will always be with you, will be a part of you forever. It's going to take time for your heart to heal. Please let this forum help you through it. I'm praying for your peace....

Kristy
 
#4 ·
Carol

I can relate to everything you said. I am sure that Oakley felt very loved by you. We, too, were so worried about Smooch's health and our Samoyed, Snobear, went of hemangiosarcoma before the age of 10 years old. We were in shock. The good thing is that he didn't linger and suffer.

I think that maybe if you foster another Golden, you will see if it is a good fit for you and for Seger and for the dog. I really think this would help you with your grief. I'm only speaking for my Husband and I, but we never can really start healing until we adopt another dog.
 
#6 ·
....I'm only speaking for my Husband and I, but we never can really start healing until we adopt another dog.

Karen, I am like this. I almost tend to be OCD and will obsess about the dog I've lost until I have a new one to help occupy my mind and my time. I know we are all different, but that is the way I am.
Kristy
 
#5 ·
Carol,

Your post sounds absolutely normal. It is filled with anger, grief and love. Continued positive thoughts and prayers for your family. We all may do it a little differently but I think we all understand everything you are saying.
I hope that you can move on past the anger, Oakley would want you to. You did everything you could for your boys. I think Oakley knows that.
 
#8 ·
My heart goes out to you. The pain is too much when we lose our beloved dogs. I miss my girl as much today as I did 7 months ago when she left me. It is a part of life that I do not like in any way, shape or form. It feels like you cannot go on but you do. Things do not seem normal any more and the world is much less bright without them. It is just so hard.
 
#9 ·
Carol, there is nothing ridiculous about grieving the loss of a beloved dog. Everyone who has ever had to say goodbye to a furry family member can relate to all those emotions. You will eventually feel better, but not before you've run the gamut of emotions that grief encompasses. Your healing may require another golden and it may not. Let your tears flow, rant and rave at the fates, try to breathe and let time pass. I cry weekly instead of daily for my Cody, and it has been 7.5 years since he died. For some people, that may seem ridiculous, while there are a small few who understand that the hole in my heart will always be there, and nothing in the world will fill it. I'm very sorry that your boy got his angel wings far too soon....,
 
#10 ·
You lost one of your babies, grieving is such a personal thing. I am so sorry for your loss, I still grieve my heart girl, and I had to put her down from bone cancer 25 years ago. I am hugging my two seniors as I read your post. Bless you, and do what you need to heal. If that is venting on here, please do so. Many of us have been there, and do understand.
 
#11 ·
I so understand what you are going through. Sending lots of hugs to you.
 
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#12 ·
Carol, so many, many of us understand all these feelings and are going thru them. Some get over it slower than others, honestly I am one of them. Twenty months later there are days when I can relate to your post and all those feelings you describe I feel too. But there are days when I am at peace, knowing that I loved my Buddy so much, did the best I could and it was meant to be that way. Hugs.
 
#13 ·
Carol please do not be so hard on yourself; we lost Trooper in 2005 and Jack in 2011. There is not a day that we do not go see them and talk to them. Just today I started crying again because we had pizza and both of them knew exactly what was going on. Without a word they would both sit at the door waiting for the pizza guy. We still go thru guilt, what if I did that instead of that.
Oakley loved you and loves you still.
 
#14 ·
You have every right to feel ripped off. Losing the love and companionship of a golden is huge especially at that age. Anger for your loss is a natural part of all of this. It sounds to me as though you are right on track with sorting through your grief. It sucks big time.

I feel as though I am walking around with a bleeding heart that can make me tear up at any slight thought or comment. It is hard but we must solider on like our pups did in time of hardship, one step at a time as we have been left with no choice.

Forgiveness is the main lesson here. You need to forgive yourself and set yourself more realistic expectations. You did not make Oakley sick nor did you have the divine power to save him because you are only human like the rest of us. Therefore you should not question your self. I do not think that you neglected any tell tale signs. Only you can give yourself time and permission to heal because everyone else already has.

Getting another golden is a wonderful idea as they bring their own unique light and healing. However they do come with their own quirks and flaws. Finding the right dog with the right chemistry for Serger will be a gamble. However I believe that dogs find their owners and that Oakley will help you with this, so when you feel the overwhelming call within your heart you will know the time is right so just go with it, and the doors will open for a new form of healing and joy.

Good luck with your healing. It does not happen over night, some of us never really heal completely but we learn to manage the sorrow in our hearts until we are reunited once again. In the meantime we give thanks for having such a wonderful soul share our lives for a short time.
 
#15 ·
Carol
I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my Sadie at 9 1/2 years old this past Aug. 25th 2012 to Canine Lymphoma. I have experienced (or are experiencing) everything you listed out...I beat myself up constantly about whether we should have done Chemo....I feel I was robbed of half my dogs life by the cancer. I really beat myself up the most about how I let everyone convince me that the signs I was seeing (lethargy, lack of play, moping around) were just a result of old age...I should have known better..I did know better... but I let other people influence me. Not that there's really anything I could have done to stop her from ultimately dying..I still feel guilty about it. I fight everyday to keep my emotions in check when somebody talks about thier dog...or a golden walks by. I constantly second guess my self for doing anything but be with her the last two months of her life. I spent the last three months crying everyday while driving back and fourth to work..that way nobody could see me or judge me..I got the feeling that some people I know where judging me because I was still grieving my dogs death. I get depressed everyday when I go home to my empty house..she's not their to greet me with that dust mop of a tail wagging ...waiting patiently for me to take her for her daily walk and spend some quality time with my puppy...Shes not lying on the top of the love seat in front of the picture window every morning watching me drive up the hill to work.

It's been almost 5 months now and sometimes I feel I have moved on emotionally..and some days I feel like its hurts as much as the day we had to bring her in to have her put down. I don't think I will ever be over her...we have started the process to adopt a rescue Golden...I am hoping that a new dog will at least distract me from everything in my day reminding me of her...though nothing will ever take her place in my heart.So no Carol..I don't think you are crazy..If you are than that means we both are.

David

Here is my baby...Sadie Ann Sniferstein Obrizzo/Benito 4/26/2003-8/25/2012
 
#17 ·
Carol
I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my Sadie at 9 1/2 years old this past Aug. 25th 2012 to Canine Lymphoma. I have experienced (or are experiencing) everything you listed out...I beat myself up constantly about whether we should have done Chemo....I feel I was robbed of half my dogs life by the cancer. I really beat myself up the most about how I let everyone convince me that the signs I was seeing (lethargy, lack of play, moping around) were just a result of old age...I should have known better..I did know better... but I let other people influence me. Not that there's really anything I could have done to stop her from ultimately dying..I still feel guilty about it. I fight everyday to keep my emotions in check when somebody talks about thier dog...or a golden walks by. I constantly second guess my self for doing anything but be with her the last two months of her life. I spent the last three months crying everyday while driving back and fourth to work..that way nobody could see me or judge me..I got the feeling that some people I know where judging me because I was still grieving my dogs death. I get depressed everyday when I go home to my empty house..she's not their to greet me with that dust mop of a tail wagging ...waiting patiently for me to take her for her daily walk and spend some quality time with my puppy...Shes not lying on the top of the love seat in front of the picture window every morning watching me drive up the hill to work.

It's been almost 5 months now and sometimes I feel I have moved on emotionally..and some days I feel like its hurts as much as the day we had to bring her in to have her put down. I don't think I will ever be over her...we have started the process to adopt a rescue Golden...I am hoping that a new dog will at least distract me from everything in my day reminding me of her...though nothing will ever take her place in my heart.So no Carol..I don't think you are crazy..If you are than that means we both are.

David

Here is my baby...Sadie Ann Sniferstein Obrizzo/Benito 4/26/2003-8/25/2012
So sorry that you found us under such sad circumstances. I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved Sadie.
 
#16 ·
Nobody here is going to think you're crazy for the feelings you're having. Here's the two things I have to contribute:

First, there's nothing you can do with a cancer like hemangiosarcoma. Recognizing some obscure sign that he's lying on the floor differently or refusing a meal, or walking a little oddly, well that's just not realistic. You obviously love your dogs as much as anybody, and you can't control it when cells decide to go wild and turn into a fatal disease. It just happens, and it's not your fault. Would Oakley begrudge you having another day? Would he be mad that you didn't see how he was lying a little differently on the kitchen floor? Of course not. If he wouldn't hold it against you, you shouldn't hold it against yourself.

Second, a good dog never goes anywhere. Everything he was is still in the air around you and in every memory you have of him. You can't put your hand on him, and that's just awful. It matters and means so much to put your hand on the head of a good dog or to scratch him behind the ear, or to make a new memory together, and once you can't anymore, the absence just aches. But he hasn't gone anywhere. Go stand in a place you loved together, and you'll find he's there. I'm not superstitious, or religious, or particularly sappy, but I can find you any dog I've ever loved. I carry Chess, Joplin, Raleigh, Cady, Arky, Gus, and more with me. I'd give anything to bury my face in the fur of even one of those dogs, and I can't anymore, but none of them is gone, either.
 
#21 ·
................

Second, a good dog never goes anywhere. Everything he was is still in the air around you and in every memory you have of him. You can't put your hand on him, and that's just awful. It matters and means so much to put your hand on the head of a good dog or to scratch him behind the ear, or to make a new memory together, and once you can't anymore, the absence just aches. But he hasn't gone anywhere. Go stand in a place you loved together, and you'll find he's there. I'm not superstitious, or religious, or particularly sappy, but I can find you any dog I've ever loved. I carry Chess, Joplin, Raleigh, Cady, Arky, Gus, and more with me. I'd give anything to bury my face in the fur of even one of those dogs, and I can't anymore, but none of them is gone, either.
I agree with Mac'sDad... Thank you for expressing a dog lover's heart so well, Tippy. Life is too much of a miracle for me not to believe there is more to it than meets the eye.
 
#18 ·
Thank you so much for all of the responses. The kind words and support validate my feelings - I have just never felt this strongly about a pet before we got Oakley and Seger. The loss is heart wrenching but I am trying to heed your experience, words and wisdom and to accept my feelings as a natural part of the grieving process.
I am so sorry for all of your losses as well - many of you have loved and lost and opened your hearts and homes again and I admire you for that. Maybe one day I will be able to open my heart to another. The feeling of having them and loving them every day is like no other.
David I am so sorry about Sadie. She is absolutely beautiful .... her eyes are mesmerizing :)
I so appreciate coming to this forum first thing in the morning - although much of what I read saddens me, the support helps me get mobilized for the day.
Thanks everyone.
Carol
 
#20 ·
Your post helps us who have also gone thru the same experience. My Tazz developed hemiangiosarcoma at age 8. He was soooo healthy, only developed a slight cough. I thought is was nothing, maybe the beginning of kennel cough. When I took him to the vet, my shock as she said he had cancer that mets to the lungs. I also was in the process of getting him dx, he died 3 weeks later before anything could even been tried. I also felt guilty for not picking up on any little signs. I remember walking him and saying to him that he was moving really slow today. I think now he was moving slow because of the disease. I also do not have alot of pictures. I immediately got another golden because I was truely lost. My heart breaks for you and I pray for that pain to lessen. Thank you for the post...you helped me by sharing.
 
#22 ·
Carol..thanks for the kind words. Oakley was a beautiful boy..and he was loved and will be missed terribly. I think the major factor in why we all love dogs so much is that unconditional love they give back to us...it's hard in life to find that anywhere but in a dog. As far as pictures go..my wife and stepdaughter love to take pictures, and Sadie was their favorite subject so I am lucky to have a large amount of memories. Sometimes I will sit down at my wife's computer and just look through her picture files and I will find pics of Sadie I had never seen before...it's like a treasure hunt! You have a library of images as well..we all do....they are in your mind and in your heart..and they can never be erased, and can be accessed from anywhere, at anytime..no devices needed!

Lovebuzz..sorry to hear about Tazz..I had the same experience when I brought Sadie in thinking she had a little infection or something, and was hit by the cancer freight train..I was not prepared to hear that!
 
#23 ·
I sat down last night and went through what seems like thousands of pictures of Oakley and Seger. I have very few of myself with either or both dogs! Seems I am the one behind the camera all of the time :) But that's ok because just looking at all of the images I caught over the years of Oakley being himself, loving life to the fullest and just being a general goofy boy brought tears of happiness to my eyes. When I get a chance I will post a series of photos here so you can all get to know Oakley better. We always called him the "class clown" - I bet he is busy entertaining at the Bridge :) Miss you Oaky-Poke!
 
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