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My First Post - When does it get better?

7K views 76 replies 23 participants last post by  Karen519 
#1 ·
Hello everyone. I am here trying to find comfort and guidance on my journey through grief for our dog Jasper, 1/15/99 - 12/12/11 (he was not quite 13). The tears still run down my cheeks as I write this.

First, here is Jasper:

Dog Mammal Vertebrate Dog breed Canidae


Dog Canidae Golden retriever Dog breed Companion dog


Dog Mammal Vertebrate Dog breed Canidae


Canidae Dog Yellow Dog breed Carnivore


His mom was a Golden, and his father was unknown. We got him as an 8-week-old rescue. And virtually as soon as we took that little bundle of fur home, I knew I loved him so much that I would surely suffer at some then-inconceivable day when we lost him. That time came a little over 12 months ago. I had retired two years before he died, and spent every day with him, nursing him through old age, arthritis, degenerative peripheral neuropathy--I took him to swim therapy twice weekly for months; to acupuncture--both of these an hour's drive from home. He was holding his own--the neurologist was so pleased because he was adding muscle through his swimming. And then he got an inoperable brain tumor.

The memory of those times is still so very with me--the time we spent together, the swimming, the vet visits, his last awful illness. I wished with all my heart that we wouldn't be forced to make that awful final decision, but--we did have to, finally.

We cancelled Christmas and went to a little resort in the mountains just to get away from home. Here I was--and I still look a bit like this, shellshocked:

(I'm sorry, I can't get the picture in the right place--it's at the end. Also, I meant only to post one--slow learner; sorry.)

I am just so sad without my Jasper. He literally nursed me through two surgeries, including a hip replacement--wouldn't leave my side. I miss my baby dog.

My husband is, I think, pretty tired of my apparently-unending grief.

We do not have another dog. We tried to get a puppy this past fall, and an awful thing happened; she had an aggression problem and was snapping and biting at 8 weeks; our vet urged us to return her to the breeder, so that she could be placed with people who had the skills to handle the puppy. I was heartbroken and don't think I've recovered from that, either. Thank goodness a suitable home was found for her. The breeders were awful about it, though.

At this point, I think I could love another dog--and Jasper was such a Golden, in spite of his mixed background--but I am just too scared and burned to know how to proceed. I see the pictures of your Goldens, and I envy you all; I would give anything to have four muddy paws running through my family room, fur flying into every corner; to hear my dog's soft breathing in our room at night as we all sleep.

I'm sorry I sound so sad and helpless! I'm not normally like this, but that pup was the light of my life. Any advice or comfort anyone could offer would be very appreciated.
 

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#2 ·
Sorry for the loss of Jasper. So many on our forum know the sadness you feel. I wish I had the words to make everything better. You will be able to love another pooch. My suggestion would to be foster an older Golden from a rescue? Most foster parents fail at some point and adopt. I do not know what else to say. Be well and I hope you find the perfect pooch companion.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Jane

Jane

My heart goes out to you for your loss of Jasper-what a beautiful story and life you two had.

You need to get another dog and deserve to LOVE, again, and Jasper would want you to.

Have you looked into the Golden Retriever Rescues?
http://www.grca-nrc.org/localrescues.html

So glad you found us!
**My hubby and I can't even be without a dog for a day-it is the only way we are able to heal.
 
#4 ·
Jane;
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Jasper. They become so much a part of our life that losing them is like losing a family member. There are so many of us here that have experienced what you are going through and all of the members here have provided so much support when I lost my Rhett this last summer. There wasn't a day that goes by that I didn't cry over him.

We have just opened our hearts and home this last week to 2 (two) beautiful Golden rescues and they have helped us so much with our healing. They both have so much love to give and I know our Rhett sent them our way to open our hearts to them just as we did for him. I know he didn't want to see us cry anymore but to experience the joy once again.

Give yourself time to grieve and keep Jaspers memories alive within you, he will always be there watching over you. Then when you are ready, open your heart to another Golden that needs a home and a family to love, the rewards are a thousand fold.

We are always here for you. You'll be in our prayers during this most difficult time.
 
#5 ·
Your Jasper was such a beautiful boy, I can't believe he wasn't 100%golden. your grief is normal and the depth of it is not surprising.
Our dogs are so much a part of us, it is so hard to be without them.
A new puppy or older dog does help to move forward for many. It is not a replacement for Jasper, but shows that your heart is open to loving again.
 
#6 ·
Hi Jane
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 10 tear old Golden Girl Gracie in October at
10 years of age to cancer. I have had two other golden girls that passed as well.
So I truly understand the pain you feel.
Although 30 years has lapsed there insn't a day that I don't think of them and
miss them and feel sad they are not with me. Thank the lord for the companionship
that Jasper gave you and open your heart to love another golden. Don't be scared.
I adopted another golden puppy.His name is Sheldon and as he cuddles with me it brings me such joy.
I see you are from upstate NY I'm from Putnam Couny Where are you? Perhaps
I can help you find another puppy.
 
#7 ·
Jasper

You will never replace Jasper, just as I could never replace my Smooch and Snobear, but we do heal when giving our love to another.

Do you want me to put Jasper's name on our 2011 Rainbow Bridge List?
 
#8 ·
Yes--by all means add his name. Jasper Dog Craig. Best dogintheworld, as I used to tell him, but I realize that everyone's dog is, indeed, their best dogintheworld.

I appreciate so much all of your condolences, and so many of you have had similar recent losses, even more recent than mine. How generous of you all to give me sympathy and support.

I have no children; I often think that J-dog was the child I didn't have. I realized, when I first started this line of thinking, that I was setting myself up for a pretty nasty fall, but nothing, in terms of loving Jasper, was necessarily a voluntary choice. It just happened.

I am grateful for your advice as well as support.
 
#10 ·
Jesse'sgirl--Yes, Jasper inherited the Golden genes. I had his DNA typed when he was about 10, and...they were unable to find markers of any other breed but Golden. Still, given that his mother was apparently allowed to roam (in my mind, negligent dog parents) unspayed, what are the odds that she met up with another AKC Golden? Also, I saw the litter of 11 pups--4 of them were jet black! I know that a litter can have more than one father, but...anyway, yes, Jasper was essentially a Golden.

Your dog (Jesse, I assume) is gorgeous. I think my heart is open--it's just been bashed around a good deal...
 
#11 ·
The golden genes do seem to be dominant. I have a friend who has a golden/ lab mix and even the vets think he is all golden.
One of our cats is named Jasper. He was a stray who turned out to be the biggest cuddler of all the cats.
And yes, we do think our Jess(Jesse) is a handsome boy.
 
#12 ·
Jane

Jane

I know what you mean about Jasper being your child. Ken and I don't have human children either and our dogs are our kids. We lost our Snobear (Samoyed) March 27, 2010 and then our Golden Retriever Girl, Smooch, on December 7, 2010. Ken and I have had two dogs now for the 26 years we've been together so when we lost Snobear we got Tonka (Samoyed) and then adopted our Golden Ret. Male, Tucker, from this forum. They just adore one another. Tucker is 4 now and Tonka is 3.

I will add Jasper to the 2011 Golden Ret. Rainbow Bridge List.
Here is the link to the Golden Rescues and I also think that maybe fostering would be great
for you!!
National Rescue Committee of the Golden Retriever Club of America
 
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#14 ·
So sorry for your loss.My wifes heart dog Tawney passed 7 years ago & she still gets tears when her name comes up but she's much better after time.I didn't quite understand until I rescued Capt Jack but now every time he moves wrong I call the vet or get on here to ask.Sweetie is also a rescue & she's even more loving to the wife & daughter than Jack.So many on here can help you find a pup & I'll keep a lookout too if you want.Our prayers for your healing,a rescue can rescue you like they did me.
 
#15 ·
I got my beautiful little Jordan in Albany. I can check around and see if people there know of any dogs needing homes, if you want ??? Also Jordan's cousin will be having a litter this spring. They are taking names now.
 
#16 ·
Oh Jane, so many of us find this forum because of our lost goldens and almost, if not all, know the heartbreak of losing your baby. I am so sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter how long it has been, it still hurts.

I always thought Jorgee was closer to my husband than she was to me, but it was me she looked for that day when she passed, it is me that still cries just thinking about her, it is me that cries every time I read of another loss on this forum. They can't live forever but 10, 15, even 20 years is just not enough!

I am also sorry that you had such a horrible experience when you got a new puppy. I think you need to hang around bit more, there are some great breeders on this board that may be able to help you, if and when you decide to try again for a new baby to love.

We lost Jorg in June and although my husband didn't think the time was right, I knew I needed another, so he relented and we got Roxxi and she has been a God send, actually, I think she was a Jorgee send because she knew just what her mom needed!
 
#17 ·
Dear Jane, first of all I am so very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jasper.. I know 14 years was not nearly long enough to share his life.. only those of us that have loved and been loved by a golden's heart can truly understand our grief.

I am new to this site, but parts of your post I could've written from some of my own life's journeys with my beloved babies... I am still deeply grieving the loss of my precious Mattie which crossed on 12/7/12 .. way too soon to part from us. My grief is still very intense and new and at times almost unbearable, but I felt led to reply to your post because it hit so close to my heart. And I know how important it is to see others that understand .. I check my posts multiple times to day for responses, because they mean so much to see that others really understand and care.

We learned of Mattie's cancer only about 4 weeks before .. she came to us 10 1/2 years ago after the loss of our 1st golden baby Sheeba, who also was taken by the dreadful c word. I tell you the care for each of them was very different, Sheeba's was a longterm illness, and little Mattie's was short-term and each was equally heart wrenching.

I too have only been retired 2 years while going thru this terrible loss, thinking I would have several years with my Mattie .. Now I find myself lost, empty, longing, and questioning my decision to retire which is past too late to even worry about. I came to this site looking for support because my dh IS tiring of my sadness and grief ... and sadly even my best of friends don't have a clue as to the deep loss I've suffered. We were not blessed with children, so Sheeba and Mattie ARE our children..

We lost our precious Sheeba in 2002, and in about 6 months we then found our baby Mattie.... at the time I was still grieving for Sheeba, and now realize that I'll always grieve for both of them ... I felt like I was dishonoring Sheeba to bring Mattie into her home, but we very soon learned that without Mattie I don't think I would have ever been able to move on .. And as I sit here reading my own words thru the tears, I find myself thinking when or if I'll be able to open my heart to a new love .. I try to never say never, because when the hurt is so deep my first response is to prevent ever going thru that again, but I know that I have all this love in my heart to give to another, and can't imagine life without another... the joy they give is so worth it all .. so maybe someday.

Listen to your heart, I know that sounds cleche' but it's true .. and you may experience some of the feelings I had after getting Mattie .. but I came to believe that Mattie was sent to me .. and that maybe my Sheeba had a part in sending her to me ... they were each their own personality, but so much the same too ..

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, they say our grief is as deep as our love, so I know I have a rough journey ahead .. God bless you .. Charlene
 
#18 ·
I'm so very sorry for your loss of Jasper, he was a beautiful boy and I know he was very special to you. He had a good long life with you and I know you have many wonderful memories of him which will always be with you.

People grieve in their own way and in their own time. You need to give your heart time to heal. Jasper will always be with you although you won't see him.

I lost my 15.5 yr. old boy almost two years ago now. It seems like it was only yesterday in many ways and in others it feels like it's been a lifetime since he was with us. I can feel his presence, I know he's always there right beside us. I have so many wonderful memories of him, I also have times where I still cry and wish he was still with us.

Both of my goldens are adopted, my girl from a GR Rescue, she's been with us 6 years. Shortly after my boy passed, I adopted my boy from my County Humane Society, he's been with us almost 2 years now. He helped our hearts heal and has brought so much joy back into our lives.

I use to help the GR Rescue I adopted my girl from, they closed 2 years ago. Volunteering or Fostering would be a wonderful option for you if you have a GR Rescue close by. If not, I hope you're able to find a pup to bring into your home when you are ready.
 
#19 ·
So very sorry for your loss. My Allie was almost 13 when she passed. She took care of me after my surgery also. Stayed by my side for the two years it took till I got better. It is just so hard when they have to leave us. There was part of me that just wanted to go with her. She was my life. I got a puppy a few months after Allie passed and it helped. Still miss my girl but I see the golden traits in Mia that I loved so much in Allie. Take care..
 
#20 · (Edited)
Thank you so much, AlanK. I actually would love to foster an older Golden, but I'm afraid of losing him or her so soon after Jasper! This has been such an overwhelming sorrow that I am just plain scared of going through it again so soon. I don't know that I have the strength.

In my quiet inner thoughts, I think I would love to do it though while having two dogs, maybe a puppy and then after a few months (to get through housebreaking, etc.), get an older foster dog. And if it "failed" and became an adoption, well, how nice. And then we'd still have a dog when we lost the older one; perhaps it would be less hard that way.

It's the only way we'd have two dogs, because my husband wants to be, at most, a one-dog family. Even though he IS a dog person, I think the last year, including the trauma of what happened with the puppy, has scared him. He wouldn't get another dog for himself. He is willing to get just one dog, as a marital compromise, because I want one so badly.

I practically ambush people on the street who are walking big, furry dogs--actually, ANY dog--wanting to pet their dog--I get down on the pavement and pet the dog for as long as they're willing to let me. If it's a Golden, it's hard for me even to tear myself away--they have a distinct "Golden" smell to me that reminds me of Jasper. I need to figure out what to do before I become a public nuisance...!

I'm sixty and I think I want one more puppy in my life--one more time of going through the entire experience, as we did with Jasper. I want to rescue as we did with him, but then I want a Golden so much...it's hard, and sometimes I just freeze up trying to figure out what to do.

ps--edited to add that my husband hasn't said "no" to our fostering a rescue after getting a puppy--I think he would be ok with it. We just spent a fortune fencing in our large back yard, before the puppy came to us briefly in September. The idea was to make having a dog(s) more manageable, since he walked Jasper twice a day for nearly 13 years...
 
#21 ·
To everyone,

I just want to thank you for your generous replies. You all DO understand. I always knew this would be awful, but...to tell you the truth, it's been even worse than I feared, if that's possible. Probably being retired doesn't help, though I'm plenty busy.

I think I'm feeling particularly vulnerable because I just had ankle surgery and I'm in a cast, "non-weight-bearing" which means I can't walk. I've had a fair number of orthopedic surgeries (joint problems), and Jasper was always there during my recovery. Well, I'm stuck in a cast in January in upstate NY and--no Jasper.

I should ask for separate advice on how to avoid having the problem we had with the breeder and the puppy. That was such a bad experience and left me kind of paralyzed. My husband too--he doesn't really even want another dog, as I said, so the whole puppy thing is up to me. Maybe I'll post somewhere else asking advice on this subject? Obviously I did something wrong last time.
 
#22 ·
Jane

Jane

Sorry to hear about your ankle.
Sheldon's Mom and Claire's Friend said maybe they can help you find a puppy.
You didn't post in the wrong place at all.
There are many of us who get a puppy and many of us who rescue a Golden.
 
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#23 ·
Hi Jane

This info may help you.
I was very careful and selective when I picked my golden pups 2, 3 and 4.
My first girl Mandy was from a back yard breeder. I was 27 years old and
never had a golden. She had numerous health issues and passed at 9 years.
She was my baby as we had no children at the time. Before I got my second girl
Jenny I did a bit of research and learned as much as I could about goldens and
susequently selected a great healthy golden. She was with me for 12 1/2 years.
Her temperment from the start was so mellow. At that time my daughter was three
years old and I have to say (if you can believe) there was no puppy nipping.
My third girl Gracie was the smartest. Always took to commands easily and knew the names of at least 15 of her toys.
What I want to share with you is do lots of research and visits before you select your next dog. Find out what type of golden the breeder breeds. Some pups are from sporting lines they will have high energy.
Based on my experience show dog lines have been more mellow. Maybe other
members will share their views. Reputable breeders do puppy testing so they can match you and your lifestyle to the pup.I know I was scared each time I selected a puppy cause I would always fear that I would compare them to my others but you will find that as they each become unique in their personalities, you just fall completely in love with that pup. As I mentioned to you I just got Sheldon my first male. I asked the breeder for the mush cake of the litter and thats what I have.Having trained three other goldens things are going very well. Like you I am retired. I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer in 2006. But I am doing well at this time. My golden
girl Gracie was with me during my recovery. From reading your posts you have so much
love to give to another dog whether it be a pup or an older dog. Don't let the past
bad breeder experience hold you back. There are many people out there that can help
you find an awesome dog.
Wishing you a speedy recovery. Homebound is not fun.
If I can help let me know.
 
#25 ·
Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss of Jasper. We also lost our Buddy around the same time (11-26-11). I too feel his loss so much. My husband and I have had a few ups and downs this past year health wise, so we need to wait to bring another dog into our lives. There is so much good information on this forum, and very knowledgeable members that can steer you in the right direction when you are ready. I understand your hesitation...when you've been through the good and bad of adopting, taking care of, and yes; losing our beloved fur babies, it is a little scary starting over. But, I truly feel the good times always outweighed the bad times, and loving and having our Buddy was worth every minute. Good luck!
 
#26 ·
Jane, your Jasper was absolutely gorgeous! I think most of us on this forum have been in your shoes. It's a little different for everyone but the common denominator is that our hearts have been broken. I read the posts before responding and will also say you have a lot of love in your heart so by all means consider loving again. I also think you might want to consider a rescue. Rescue groups do an excellent job of matching the right dog and owner. Someone said why do they call the dogs "rescue" when they actually rescue their owners. Why don't you check out golden rescues in your area to begin to get an idea of the dogs that are available. Meet some of the rescue fosters and their dogs and as they say "love finds you".
 
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