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My First Post - When does it get better?

7K views 76 replies 23 participants last post by  Karen519 
#1 ·
Hello everyone. I am here trying to find comfort and guidance on my journey through grief for our dog Jasper, 1/15/99 - 12/12/11 (he was not quite 13). The tears still run down my cheeks as I write this.

First, here is Jasper:

Dog Mammal Vertebrate Dog breed Canidae


Dog Canidae Golden retriever Dog breed Companion dog


Dog Mammal Vertebrate Dog breed Canidae


Canidae Dog Yellow Dog breed Carnivore


His mom was a Golden, and his father was unknown. We got him as an 8-week-old rescue. And virtually as soon as we took that little bundle of fur home, I knew I loved him so much that I would surely suffer at some then-inconceivable day when we lost him. That time came a little over 12 months ago. I had retired two years before he died, and spent every day with him, nursing him through old age, arthritis, degenerative peripheral neuropathy--I took him to swim therapy twice weekly for months; to acupuncture--both of these an hour's drive from home. He was holding his own--the neurologist was so pleased because he was adding muscle through his swimming. And then he got an inoperable brain tumor.

The memory of those times is still so very with me--the time we spent together, the swimming, the vet visits, his last awful illness. I wished with all my heart that we wouldn't be forced to make that awful final decision, but--we did have to, finally.

We cancelled Christmas and went to a little resort in the mountains just to get away from home. Here I was--and I still look a bit like this, shellshocked:

(I'm sorry, I can't get the picture in the right place--it's at the end. Also, I meant only to post one--slow learner; sorry.)

I am just so sad without my Jasper. He literally nursed me through two surgeries, including a hip replacement--wouldn't leave my side. I miss my baby dog.

My husband is, I think, pretty tired of my apparently-unending grief.

We do not have another dog. We tried to get a puppy this past fall, and an awful thing happened; she had an aggression problem and was snapping and biting at 8 weeks; our vet urged us to return her to the breeder, so that she could be placed with people who had the skills to handle the puppy. I was heartbroken and don't think I've recovered from that, either. Thank goodness a suitable home was found for her. The breeders were awful about it, though.

At this point, I think I could love another dog--and Jasper was such a Golden, in spite of his mixed background--but I am just too scared and burned to know how to proceed. I see the pictures of your Goldens, and I envy you all; I would give anything to have four muddy paws running through my family room, fur flying into every corner; to hear my dog's soft breathing in our room at night as we all sleep.

I'm sorry I sound so sad and helpless! I'm not normally like this, but that pup was the light of my life. Any advice or comfort anyone could offer would be very appreciated.
 

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#56 ·
That's awesome!! Don't worry, your heart will lead the way. Long story short...My GR, Buddy passed away and I was in that desperate grief that you know so well. I didn't even want to see other dogs but a short 2 weeks later I rescued Ky because she was in dire straights. I don't regret it for a second!
Of course I still grieved for Buddy and missed him everyday but Ky helped my heart to mend as she burrowed deeper and deeper into it.

Congratulations, I'm looking forward to pictures!
 
#58 ·
Jane

Jane

No, love never does end! Your love for Jasper and your new baby will be different. I don't know how Ken and I could have survived losing our Munchkin and Gizmo, without getting Smooch and Snobear and how we could have lived through losing Smooch and Snobear, without opening our hearts to Tonka and Tucker!
 
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#59 ·
Because of my bad experience with a breeder, now I am second-guessing myself all over the place. I've already sent in the deposit (in fact we paid in full to show good faith). I was really happy because the clearances on the parents were there, the parents look good on paper, and they enjoy a good reputation on this board. But suddenly I'm thinking, why did I do this so fast? Why didn't I do more research? Supposedly Kyon has a good reputation for longevity, but after all how do I really know? I haven't seen a statistical tabulation or anything. And they don't belong to the CKC. AHhhhhhh....you know, when we rescued Jasper, we couldn't research a thing, yet the love I had for him was profound and he lived to be almost 13. I've got to stop this "buyers remorse" stuff.

Anybody know anything about Kyon? If you can tell me good things, I'll feel so much better...
 
#61 ·
Jane
I am so happy for you and your husband. Please don't second guess yourself.
The fact that you had such a loving relationship with Jasper is leading you to love another golden puppy. Yes, there will be differences and there will be similarities between both dogs but once you have bonded with the new puppy you will find happiness again. The memory you have of Jasper will live with you forever but your new pup will provide comfort to you and many happy times. Looking forward to pictures.
 
#62 · (Edited)
Jane - how is your ankle?

Jasper was a beautiful boy. I know he was your heart dog and must be very special for you and your family. So sorry for your loss - gone from sight but not from mind. Life measures quality and not length. Thank you for giving him a good life.

Congratulations on the Kyon's puppy. Follow your heart - Jasper is watching and helping you.
 
#63 ·
Jane, I don't know anything about Kyon, but I do know that there are no guarantees in life. Heck, any of us could not be here tomorrow, so please don't borrow trouble. Your new pup will help ease your pain, hopefully will live and long and healthy life with you and your husband, and you'll keep your great love for Jasper while making room in your heart for Mr. Already Named But We Don't Know It! It will be fine. It will be more than fine. Once that puppy is in your arms, all traces of buyer's remorse will vanish, and you'll be hard-pressed to wipe the smile off your face, even while you sleep.
 
#65 ·
First off, i am so very sorry for the loss of Jasper. i know the heartbreak Of losing a beloved golden.
Don't second guess yourself. Your new puppy will be wonderful. Just please remember that he is a baby..he will not be calm and cuddly most of the time like an older dog. He will grow into that. puppies are crazy at times, they BITE! Some call golden puppies land sharks! You will train him and teach him and love him and he will become the second dog of your dreams. It takes work, but it is well worth it. We are all here for you for answers to your questions and support.
Please make sure to post pictures of your new little guy as soon as you can!
 
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#66 ·
OH THANK YOU EVERYBODY for the reassurance.

Please bear with me in this post while I tell you why I'm uneasy. I need to hear, if possible, that the same thing that happened last summer with the other puppy, which was traumatic to us in the extreme, won't likely happen again.

OK--this re-triggered my anxiety--a friend of mine who is active in rescue just yesterday sent me a story circulating in her rescue group. This group used to specialize in Goldens and almost-Goldens, but since there is already another active Golden rescue group here, they have now expanded to include "dogs of good temperament" similar to Goldens, who of course are known for good temperament.

It's a great group--the co-founder is a Golden person who still keeps one purebred Golden, coming from a breeder as a puppy, in addition to her and her husband's rescued dogs and the other work she does in running the rescue organization. She trains her Golden as a kind of sweet "enabler" in her home, welcoming dogs who are coming into rescue and generally showing them the ropes and helping them fit in.

We adopted our Jasper through this rescue group. They are great--we have always donated to them in gratitude.

Well, unfortunately the story that my friend, who is a foster mother for the group, sent to me yesterday was about a Golden whose temperament was troubled, likely for genetic reasons. She had failed her first home and come into rescue because her original family, despite seeking help and being a good, loving home, did not dare to keep her after the age of six months. She would suddenly "go off" and have often-short fits of rage, triggered by things that you wouldn't think would do it--for example, she had resource-guarding issues around paper, of all things.

Then, once she was in rescue, a terrible event occurred in her foster home when the (experienced) foster mother reached down to pick up a piece of paper she had dropped. When the foster father tried to intervene, the foster parents both wound up with serious injuries to their hands from deep puncture bite wounds. The whole group was aghast and absolutely miserable when this happened.

And the veterinarian who has helped the rescue group through the many years of their existence has finally, reluctantly admitted that their practice has over recent years treated an increasing number of certain breeds of dogs, for the first time including Goldens, who had unpredictable "rage" episodes, leading to their placement in rescue. Some of these dogs could not be rehabilitated. The core of this rescue group is very, very upset about these developments and trying to figure out how to assess and handle any similar future problems with future rescues. I believe these were the worst injuries that any of their fosters had sustained.

So I worry...honestly, the puppy we returned last summer had "rage" episodes very uncharacteristic of 8-week-old puppies (according to our very experienced vet). And I don't mean "bitey" behavior in the normal, natural sense--gosh, our Jasper was a "bitey dog" his entire life, in terms of play biting--if anything, we tended to under-react to it. He thought our fingers were intended for play bites when he was young, and we kinda thought it was cute, he had such a soft mouth and control of his bite.

But the critical difference between Jasper's biting, and what our new puppy last summer did, was that she was angry, snarling, snapping, showing teeth, and generally acting like a full-grown dog who is genuinely warning you that she's going to bite--even trying to bite--if you don't stop what you're doing that is angering her. For example, my husband tried to distract her, with a toy and a treat, from eating her feces when she'd just pooped, and when she wouldn't be distracted, gently picked her up to remove her from this temptation. This provoked her to a real fit of rage. She was snarling, snapping and trying hard to bite my husband. Fortunately, because she was only 8 weeks old, he could easily hold her in such a way that he didn't get hurt.

There were other such episodes and other quite uncharacteristic behaviors for a puppy so young. We were very concerned, almost from day one. We had had only Jasper, who was by all accounts an easy puppy, so we didn't really know what was normal. When we told our well- respected trainer (hired privately; she writes a column on positive dog training for our local newspaper) and our veterinarian about it, they each evaluated her, consulted with one another and told us in no uncertain terms that we should return her to the breeder (and the vet wanted to talk to the breeder). As mentioned above, they believed her problems were "genetic."

With heavy, miserable hearts, we did. I am praying that she is with the right family now and that she'll turn out ok. Maybe I'm just too much of a softie or not consistent enough...not a day has gone by since then that I haven't thought of her, and worried about her.

So one thing our vet said at that time is that if we would adopt only adult dogs, whose temperament was established, we wouldn't have this problem ever again. And, of course, we didn't follow his advice. We want a puppy, just one more time in our lives. I swear that after this, I'm only interested in rescue--particularly in Golden rescue. But we're 60--if we want a Golden puppy--and you know, we really do!--it's kind of "now or never."

Does anyone know of a story similar to ours? This puppy last summer, I'm pretty sure, was not abused at the breeder's; they are a reasonably reputable kennel (not my favorite, for various reasons, including turning nasty when we returned her--but they are probably trying their best to do the right thing with their dogs). IS there any kind of "rage" syndrome seen in Golden puppies sometimes? If so, how unusual must it be?

I think this is why I am wanting reassurance. I KNOW Jasper was my heart dog, but I'm equally sure I can easily love another sweet, normal-but-flawed-like-any-of-God's-creatures puppy. Jasper had plenty of flaws! For starters, he growled at any other male dog of his size after about age 5, and tried to chase cats to the point that he has pulled me over trying to hold his leash (but I didn't let go!). And he loved to play bite while playing with us. And he knocked my frail mother-in-law down once, he was so excited to see her. These flaws and episodes had no effect on my loving him. They were mostly our fault for not training him enough and not socializing him enough with other dogs during the critical period of his development, as a puppy. Mistakes I'm determined not to make again! Still, Jasper was basically a sweet, loving, smart dog who certainly proved the old adage "if you're not training your dog, your dog is training you." We didn't care if he was an obedience champion, and his natural good nature largely made up for our deficiencies.

Reassurances welcome. Thank you all in advance; I'm so glad I found this group.
 
#67 ·
Jane, I'm 60, too:) It's understandable why you'd be gunshy after the heartbreak of a truly aggressive puppy. There is a syndrome called sudden rage that is seen in a couple of breeds, cockers in particular, I believe. I think, on rare occasions, some puppies are simply wired wrong, just as some psychopath humans are wired wrong. There's no test for it, but I think if you are maximizing your chances of a temperamentally sound dog by going through a stellar breeder, looking at clearances and history for a number of generations and meeting the sire and dam of your new puppy in person, then that's all you can do. If you aren't entirely comfortable with your research to date, do some more until that feeling of unease goes away. I wish you the very best of luck finding your new furball!
 
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#68 ·
Dear LoveNeverDies,

Your name is so right; that is, the thought is so right. I have loved and been loved--for almost 13 wonderful years-until my own light is extinguished in the sea of humanity, the love I have for my pup, Jasper, will never fade away. What a powerful experience. Thank you for your understanding, and I wish you peace on your journey.

Jane
 
#69 ·
Jane

Jane

I know a person from this forum that got a male and female pup from the same breeder and they were playing very rough and sometimes scary together. She learned that raising siblings together can be tricky-you should keep them separated a great deal of time so they learn to grow up without each other.
She returned the girl pup to the breeder and the breeder found her another home. Don't know how similar this was to your situation, but there is never a guarantee in any breed, any age dog. I would start enjoying each day as the time moves closer to getting your puppy!!
 
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#71 ·
Jane
I am new to the forum and I just read through all the pages of this thread. Let me say I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Golden boy Jasper. Like you am still reeling from loosing my Sadie this past August. My wife and I decided after Christmas to go to a Golden rescue here in the northeast (Yankee Golden Retriever Rescue). We are in the middle of the adoption process and I am excited and anxious about having a new dog (or dogs if they have a bonded pair) in the house. We decided not to go the puppy route..we went through that with Sadie, and it was a long tough journey..but it was worth it in the end. We just don't have the time to bring up a puppy now, and I really feel there are so many great goldens that are given up that need loving homes, so we decided to go that route this time. Good luck with your puppy..there is nothing like having a little golden in the house! I think you and your husband are ready for a pup..and don't worry about what happened before..it wasn't anything you did or didn't do..gota get back on the horse if you fall off! Make sure to keep us deep in pictures!

Oh and ..Me Too! I am glad I have found this great place full of people that have the same love for this breed like I do!
 
#72 ·
David,

I am so very sorry for your loss of Sadie. What a lovely, sweet, whimsical picture of her. The end of August is not so long ago. You are very brave in going out there and getting a new dog--actually, I think we all are, it is so painful to lose one's dog. I especially applaud that you're rescuing. Our Jasper was a rescue puppy. I would like to be a foster mother for GR rescue after our puppy grows up. Maybe one will stay with us permanently...

Don't know why we're doing the puppy route again. Maybe because, at 60, this is the last time I think we'll be able to do it. And we had Jasper as a little, 8-week-old puppy. I remember his puppyhood so fondly; all those puppy things he did (like eat the sofa). I even smile at the barium x-ray bills we had every time we were worried that he'd eaten something that would give him a blockage. Running out and buying all new wastebaskets with lids...all those funny things he did during training, like offer a compromise to a "down/stay" at his dogbed (he'd creep a few feet and then resume the down/stay, making slow progress toward the dinner table). We called it "puppy creep."

Please, please post pictures of your rescues. You know, I worry that I loved Jasper especially because he was a rescue, and that I won't be as head-over-heels with a non-rescue pup. I think this is an irrational fear, but still, it's there!
 
#73 ·
Don't know why we're doing the puppy route again. Maybe because, at 60, this is the last time I think we'll be able to do it. And we had Jasper as a little, 8-week-old puppy. I remember his puppyhood so fondly; all those puppy things he did (like eat the sofa). I even smile at the barium x-ray bills we had every time we were worried that he'd eaten something that would give him a blockage. Running out and buying all new wastebaskets with lids...all those funny things he did during training, like offer a compromise to a "down/stay" at his dogbed (he'd creep a few feet and then resume the down/stay, making slow progress toward the dinner table). We called it "puppy creep."

This really made me smile...it brought back all the puppy memories I had with Sadie..especially with the wastebaskets. Sadie had a fondness for dryer sheets. We had to be careful to pull them out of the laundry before we brought it upstairs, or she would chew them up..and sometimes swallow them! I can't tell you how many times she would get in my face and I could smell rainbow fresh Bounce on her breath!

I am waiting patiently to hear back from YGRR, hopefully we are accepted and in the pool. The interviewer brought two beautiful Golden's with her to our house..one of them ended up asleep in my lap..or as much as a 90lb Golden can fit in your lap..so I think we should be getting approved. Then it's wait time..they don't do first come first served..they interview a bunch of candidates, then they have the pool of dogs they thoroughly vet..then the adoption coordinator matches up the humans with the dogs. The fewer restrictions you have (color, sex, age, disabilities) the quicker you usually get a dog. I don't care about all that..as long as I make a connection with the dog(s)..thats the most important thing for me. I also indicated that we would be willing to take a bonded pair...what the heck right? What could be better than one golden...TWO! So we will see..I will certainly post lots of pictures and info as I move forward in the process.

The puppy route is great..you get to start from a clean slate..and the cuteness factor is high..but it's a lot of work. I think you mentioned you were retired in another post..thats perfect..you can be home with the pup..thats the biggest problem with raising a puppy. Rescue or not..you will love that puppy the minute you get it in your arms!

David
 
#74 ·
Jane

Jane

Don't feel at all bad about getting a puppy! My hubby has always wanted to get a Samoyed puppy and especially this last time, as we are in our 60's. We
got an 8 month old Samoyed pup. The potty training stages were over.
Other than the Samoyed pups we've had, we adopted two Golden Retrievers.
You can always adopt a Golden when you are ready.
 
#75 ·
Fella

Fella

I am so excited that you are waiting to hear back from YGRR!!
They are wonderful. A pair would be great, you are right!
My Hubby's sister and her husband, adopted Princess (Golden Retriever)
through them! They adore her!
 
#77 ·
David

I know what you mean about IMPATIENTLY!!
Is there another Golden Ret. Rescue near you you can go to, if you don't hear from them soon?
 
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