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Old 04-02-2012, 04:11 PM
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Unbearable grief of Fluke & Harry's passing

Although I've not posted many comments, I have spent many hours reading all your experiences in the hope I'll find some form of peace and reason.I think I need to apologise in advance of the length of this post. I am venting !!!
As those of you who have read my initial post will know, I lost both my golden retrievers just 17 days and 15 days ago. It was such a massive shock as when I took Fluke to the hospital, I never imagined he would not be coming home with me and for him to die the very next day, followed by his brother Harry, continues to break my heart.

Fluke's brother Harry took ill the following day and joined him in hospital (with what they thought wasn't related to Fluke's problem). They were side by side in their beds, it was a heartbreaking sight. Their passing has wrenched me apart. First Fluke then Harry to pass a couple of days after was, and still is unbelievable, inconceivable.

Both my boys were or so I thought in pretty good shape for their age (they were brothers from the same litter). How could I have missed something, I spent all my days with them, I should have noticed something. I was so particular about the food and supplements they received, ensured they got their exercise, given some much love and cuddles, people (not dog people) thought I was obsessed. Fluke had actually been seen only two days prior and got a pass from the vet. The vets actually said how fit he was for his age.

We took Harry in the following day, and spent some time with my Fluke, who looked ill, but the vets gave no indication it was so serious, (they were querying infection/pancreatitis but all the bloods came back within normal limits). I spent some time with both boys that day/evening, but had to leave, it was getting late, and they didn't allow owners to stay on. Fluke passed that night at 1am in the morning, they didn't even phone me. I wasn't with him, he was alone apart from his brother Harry (who must have known what was happening, they were so close, it worries me that this had an impact on Harry's condition). What upset me the most was that they didn't even ring me. I found out at 7am when I rang for an up-date on both boys.

I immediately set off to the hospital. What about Harry. On arrival I was informed by the vet that they had found Harry to be anaemic and said it looked like chronic bleeding and that he needed a blood transfusion. They also said he had passed a malena (black stool) which confirmed their findings, although they weren't sure were the bleeding was from. The strange thing was that Harry had not passed any black stools prior to this. They did an ultra sound scan and said he had a suspicious area in his stomach either ulcer or cancer. Only an endoscopy would give them a definitive answer. I wasn't sure for Harry to undergo an invasive procedure, especially after Fluke, but they said I had till after the week-end to decide.
I took Harry for a short walk outside of the hospital that day, just to spend some time with him and connect once more, and give him loves and cuddles. Eventually I had to leave, and would return the next day. I did with my sister and her family for support. When we arrived he was different again, totally subdued, did not even lift his head, he was laid down, didn't get up to greet us, it looked as though his abdomen was swollen. He was dramatically different from the day before, what was going on? I was horrified, not Harry too. The main vet came in to see us, he looked solemn, he said Harry had had an enormous loose malena that morning. I almost collapsed, none of us could believe it !!! As the afternoon passed into evening it was evident Harry was seriously ill. I and all the family surrounded him with kisses and cuddles and talked for hours with him, recounting his various escapades. I thanked him time and time again for all the love both he and Fluke had given me and how they had kept me going through some very dark days. I think he had just given up, I believe he didn't want to carry on without his soul mate, Fluke. Harry passed away that evening, very quietly, surrounded by his family, with a lovely prayer being said to send him on his way to Rainbow Bridge, and hopefully to meet his brother Fluke, and his sister Simba who had passed 3 years previously.

This has had such a dramatic effect on me, they were my life. I still haven't been able to return home, it was our home, me and the boys, how could they not be there. I have tried to return with my daughter, just a couple of times shortly after my boys passed, as I had to collect some clothes etc. It was awful, I completely collapsed and couldn't stop crying and shouting 'why, why'.

I have found great comfort in reading all your posts about your beloved companions, but still feel guilty and question my decision to take them both to hospital in the first place, I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe if I hadn't they might still be here.
My sister and her family have tried to help, but I think only like-minded people can understand the depth of my grief and guilt. They just tell me I'm making myself ill. I just can't help it, it was just me and my boys, as I don't have a partner and have been off work ill for 3 months, so they have been with me 24/7. I would of done anything for my boys. My doctor has told my family I'm having an extreme bereavement reaction, what do they expect !

I have been left, lonely, guilty, and traumatised. I only hope that being able to voice my feelings will help. Its an actual physical pain, an ache deep inside. Can any of you wonderful people give me any advice to help me try to come to terms with this terrible episode in my life. I want my boys back.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:27 PM
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What an awful lot to go through all at once. I know with my Bonnie and Clyde both going on twelve years old........I dread the same thing happening. My heart goes out to you. Bless you, I am so sorry....Dawn
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:30 PM
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I just want to tell you how sorry I am about the tragic loss of your boys so close together. I lost my Sophie unexpectedly and I felt a grief similar to what you're explaining. It's been a year and a half now and I still miss her with a pain deeper than I can even explain. But I find comfort in knowing I provided the best life for her as I'm sure you did for your boys. It sounds like you loved them so very much.

When you feel up to it I'm sure we'd all love to see pictures and hear stories about your boys.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:40 PM
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On October 15th, 2010 I lost my horse unexpectedly to colic. I had taken Copper (my golden) in the day before my horse got sick and they said he had an upper respiratory infection - his annual checkup had been just the week before and he seemed fine. On Oct. 20th, 2010 they told me he had cancer and he died two days later. I thought we would have more time......

The next Friday (October 29th, 2010) my favorite Aunt died. I lost three very important pieces of my life in two weeks.
So..... each loss makes the other harder to bear I know. Having your two boys be your whole life makes this time so very tough. I too suffered an extreme bereavement reaction and it was a hard time to get over. Time helps and so does filling the hole in your heart, soul and life. Is there any chance you could consider another dog at this time? I at least had another dog to love and my husband to help me get through.

I know it is soon, but I have always rescued my boys and every time I lost one I saved another one and it made a world of difference in my life and acceptance of what is.

Hugs to you during this difficult time. Please take care of yourself. Time heals, but it can take a long time. Ask your vet and/or check the internet and see if there are any pet loss groups around. If not, I believe there is one on the internet that might help.

I know you'd do anything for your boys and it does sound like cancer for them both. It kills fast at times and nothing we can do helps so please don't blame yourself.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:41 PM
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I am so sorry for your sudden loss. I to lost my heart boy over 2 years ago suddenly at the emergency vet clinic. Never thought he wouldn't be coming home either. I feel your pain and til this day I miss him so much. I am sure you made them very happy and loved as they do to us!!! God speed sweet boys!!!
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:46 PM
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What can I tell you, all what you said was me 10 and half months ago. Same questions, what did I miss, what could be done differently, why didn't I go for second opinion. I do not know what took my Buddy away a vet could not find out, I just know he is not with me physically but in spirit. I went thru so much pain I cant believe I am still on this side. I am not afraid of death any more, it will end up this pain or take me to my Buddy. But I believe there is a reason he had to go and I have to stay and I am here to find out why. I know lots of people think you don't want to get better, but it is not that simple, you just cant. There is this homeopathic remedy "Ignatia", small pallets I take and it helps me go thru dark days. I am very, very sorry for what happened. I just could tell you it is ok to mourn your best friends, I understand. Time helps to some degree and crying, tears somehow wash a bit of pain out from your heart.
Prayers, healing thoughts and hugs from someone who truly understands, as I've been there.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:48 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. What more can I say. How horrible to have your boys pass so close together. It sound like your suffering some guilt from what you wrote. Please don't. Know in your heart that your boys knew they were loved by your day to day kindness and love that you showed them. Sometimes there are no signs of sickness so there were probably no signs you missed. Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:49 PM
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We are so sorry for the loss of your boys. Words seem inadequate at a time like this, but many of us have felt the pain of losing a beloved friend so we do understand your grief. Please visit here often and as Huggenkiss suggested share stories and pics of your boys when the time is right.
Ralph & Debbie
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:53 PM
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I am so very sorry you are dealing with this double loss. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I wish I could make it better for you but there aren any words to help. I do think that talking with people who understand your grief and listen is helpful. Take one step and a time. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 04-02-2012, 05:17 PM
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I lost my heart dog January 29th and my family dog March 29th, so I have some idea of how you are feeling. I find that firsts are the hardest. No matter what the first is- I breakdown and don't know if I can handle it. But going through the motions is all you can do at this point. I work from home- so was with my dog 24/7 and not having him here is painful everyday of my life. I too question everything we did and wonder why the vet hospital couldn't save him and keep going over different scenarios. I just have to hold the belief that when I die I will be reunited with them, otherwise I couldn't go on. I am having my first child in May and even that makes me devastated because I was so excited for him to be part of our growing family. I can't imagine being happy about something when such a big part of me is now gone. But it wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love them so much.
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