Join Date: Jun 2010
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I think I'm losing her
Something has changed. My sweet, darling girl has eaten so little this weekend, and now, I can't even get her to take a Pill Pocket with a Tramadol in it. Even at the height of her nausea and illness post-op, on the awful antibiotic, on chemo - she never wouldn't take a Pill Pocket. She even turned down a cookie tonight. All she does, about every half hour, is go and drink a little water, and then go back into my room. She can't jump up onto my bed. I have been lifting her on - but I will pull my mattress off the frame tonight. I have had to carry her down the stairs a few times to take her out. She did have one poo today - no straining, and it was solid.
I'm so profoundly sad and I feel so helpless. My heart is just breaking. When I think about her gone, I can't breathe. One moment, I think she's still here and still okay. And then I think, she is so tired and so sad. She didn't eat yesterday morning. She did eat cookies at the vet. She ate a little ground beef last night - but she wouldn't eat it today. She has hardly had anything today. She looks so weak. Here is a list of everything I tried today:
- ground beef
- ground beef pureed with broth
- lamb wet dog food
- duck and chicken wet dog food
- chunky soup
- liverwurst (she ate some of this around 2pm - maybe 2 tablespoons. I thought, EUREKA! But then she wouldn't eat it when I offered it tonight)
- hard boiled egg mashed up with liverwurst (she licked a small amount off my fingers, but only twice before she turned away)
- straight beef broth
- peanut butter - she literally took the blob and spit it out
- baby puppy mousse (what puppies eat first after mother's milk)
I also bought some tripe - but I didn't even bother to try. It is my plan for tomorrow morning.
I sm so scared that I can't help her anymore. This cancer is bigger than both of us. What I did do today was take her to the park. I lifted her into the car and I helped her out. When she saw where she was, she perked up. I gave her a ball, just to hold. But she dropped it for me to throw. I did, a couple of times, just about a foot (if that). For that moment, she was happy. It gave me hope. But at home, she just looks so sad.
I am preparing myself to make the awful decision. All of my emotions are right at the surface right now. I started to cry when I saw a healthy Golden running in the park. I started to cry when I was driving to the store. I have told her already that she can go if she needs to. That I will miss her forever, but that I love her too much for her to stay only because I can't bear to lose her. Neither my vet not the oncologist - both of whom saw her yesterday - thought she was ready to go yet. But I feel like a lot has changed in 36 hours.
I don't know what else to do. I can't believe how fast this has happened.
Here she was at the park today: