In honor of Belle and General, plus to all Golden's on the Bridge
Two months ago so much was going on in my house even on a regular night. Now my sofas are empty, no barking for water, being let out or telling someone to move over on the bed. I used to not be able to sit down at night until almost 10pm when all my peeps where taking care of. Never complaining... They gave me my purpose.
Losing one Golden is so hard, but two strips you down as a person. The look of those darling eyes now are just a memory in your head or on photos. I use my audio recorder memory to hear their bark.
I miss Belle who was sassy and thought she was so independent, but truly always wanted services rendered for love (as I would call it jokingly in love). When she was sick, I made her own food from scratch during each time in the kitchen, I would feel her kisses on my knees as to thanking me of the gentle care. She would also give me a peck kiss each time I filled her water bowl. She hated brooms, vacuums and suitcase (around a lot since I travel for business) then bark non stop until I moved them away. She was our water girl as many Goldens, couldn't keep her still near water. Belle was the closest one to me during my pregnancy. She wasn't really a cuddlier, but did at that time. Now, I'll be honest it might have been forced because it was so hot for me being preggers that I kept the windows open during the winter time. However, she didn't complain. I saw her turn into a second Mommy when Lauren was born by protecting her except when cookies where involved. It was for each man at the point, I am afraid Lauren lost a lot of cookies. But when Belle needed me, she would always seek me out. This always made me feel special with her.
We got General because my husband was a bit "dog" lonely since I did so much with Belle. When we first got General, I kicked them out of our room during puppy stages to the guest room so he could deal with puppy duties (poop all over the floor every morning-guess who picked up). Rob was wonderful in taking this on with so much in our house. Lauren was just barely 12 months old so I had a lot on my hands. General was such a doll with big paws and probably the best puppy or baby for that matter when he got home, he slept through the night almost instantly (Belle was the worse over Lauren). Golden's love you and are so loyal, but he was the Golden with every sweet thing in his heart just for you. We would say he had a heart of chocolate, candies, cookies and cakes. He stole my heart every day and wanted to snuggle with me every night. When he started to do that, my heart was his forever. Although everyday, he would still sit on his hind legs, hug my hips with his front paws and give me the look, "Mams, did I steal your heart today?", finished with a big kiss. He was the one who would wait by the door for days while I was gone on business. He loved everyone in this house. He would protect his family and kiss Lauren goodnight every day until the last couple of weeks. In turn, she would come to him even last night for the good night kiss.
One of my favorite memories are just our recent family trips when we thought we were losing Belle. It showed me as a mother and wife of this fantastic family what we all made this together. Not just me. I will always remember running the trails with Lauren in the jogger and two Golden's by my side. Lauren screaming, "Den-ral!" People thought I was mad, but this was "my" pack and we play together. I loved feeling my peeps around me in bed and the challenge to find a cold spot. Every return home when you would open the garage door, it sounded like a pack of wolves were ready to attack, but in reality all the love waiting to greet you inside.
I am familiar with trauma losing my mother to cancer, a death of close boyfriend and friends who died are all missed dearly by many today. But this is a very hard time for me. I am still the same person mother of Lauren and wife of Rob, but a purpose has left my heart today. Since November, I have been peed, pooped and thrown up on many times. Scared out of my mind and giving such terrible news. BUT had some of the best memories in life as well. My purpose is a bit lost and my heart very sad. However, I will move on.
I asked my daughter today what she thought about heaven. And she said, "Heaven is real." Funny that is the title of the book I am currently reading. So I asked her why she felt that way, answering like I asked the most silly question, "Because God lives there..." Unlike a child as adults our faith becomes a challenge because it is something that is not concrete or thus we cannot see. They say that children are more susceptible to spirits, near death occurrence and the after life because of the profound innocence that opens their hearts without being skeptical. She gave me a big lesson for the day.
One thing that I know that I would like to try is to fight this disease. I'll start small by joining races with my own pledge board and list the charities that my donations will go to from each run. The dream is to do something national one day. There isn't enough awareness out there about any type of cancer in dogs or animals. So when my head is on strait, I send out notice on my first race. If you want to help, I would love the support.
Thank you all for the huge amount of support these past two weeks and months. It has meant a lot to receive all the kind words in your posts. I was worried that some would get sick of hearing about our dogs being sick and passing.
When the time is right, I will add a new member to my pack and will share with you. Lauren and I took a walk today the one I did with Belle because she couldn't jog anymore, but a scenic route. I asked her if she thought that I would hurt Belle or General feelings by getting a new puppy... Again like I was asking a really silly question she said, "They would love to have another little sister and you to love another Golden in our family."
I will leave you tonight with the wise words of my child.
Kiss and love all your family fur or no fur...
P.S. Thank you Rob and Lauren. Also my first Golden baby, Whitney who has been an angel in our family over the years and is caring for the new angels I sent her recently. It's because of our love that made me be forever a Golden Mommy which makes me proud.