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Lost the Light of my Life ..

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#1 ·
Mattie 7/3/2002 - 12/7/2012 The light of my life and center of my world
Never thought I'd be grieving and in need of support again so soon .. how quickly 10 1/2 years have gone.. heartbroken doesn't begin to describe, this is a hurt there are no words for.. Dec 7, I lost my precious baby girl Mattie to cancer (vet said hemangiosarcoma, but could not be 100% sure w/o invasive operation which after much prayer we decided not to put her thru).. we didn't know until about 3-4 weeks earlier that she was even sick .. I'm here because there are moments I don't know if I can get thru this .. I don't have a lot of family/friend support.. none that truly understand what I'm going thru like I know the golden Moms here do .. When I lost my Sheeba girl in 2002, my 1st golden baby, the members on ivillage got me thru, and when I found this board I thought some of the member names looked familiar, and I was led to reach out for help once again .. there's so much I want to say about Mattie, but I'm still trying to put words on a gratitude card to all the kind people at my vet's office, and still can't even do that .. I think that putting it in words just makes it too real, too soon .. Mattie was the most kind gentle spirit, and allowed us to experience a little bit of Heaven here on earth ... prayers of comfort for all those grieving this morning... :--sad:sheebamattiemom
 
#27 ·
The depth of your grief will lessen, but not before it's time. Mattie left you exactly as she was meant to, with everyone snuggled in their beds, following a routine as old as she was. Dogs are stoics, and goldens never want to worry their people, so she kindly let you know just in time for you to hold her and kiss her goodbye as she got her angel wings. Please don't feel guilt; your Mattie wouldn't want you to. She knew and continues to know how much you loved her, that you did everything in your power to have her spend her last days in comfort and ease. She is smiling down on you, surrounded by a pack of beloved angels, all of whom were mourned as you are now mourning her. She's healthy and whole now, while you are not. Take all the time that you need, cry as much as you need to, and know that a whole bunch of us understand your overwhelming sorrow. I'm sorry Mattie's not here in the flesh, but she is snuggled tight in your heart, where she'll always be.
 
#28 ·
I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful girl Mattie. It's the hardest time of our lives to lose one of our faithful companions. Our prayers are with you that you'll receive peace and comfort during this time and to cherish all the memories you have of her. She'll always live in your heart forever.

Run free and play hard dear Mattie, our boy Rhett and many other Golden friends are waiting for you at the Bridge.
 
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#29 ·
I doubt if there is anyone on this forum who has lost a precious golden that has not gone through the same thought process. We lost our Emmy in April to hemangiosarcoma and I kept saying to myself - what should I have done, why didn't I realize she had the tumor, did she know how much I loved her. In my heart I know I did everything for her and she knew how loved she was but those thoughts still creep in. We know how much you loved Mattie and Mattie definitely knew. You did everything possible but you have to remember that with hemangiosarcoma when the symptoms show up it is usually advanced. It is an evil disease. My thoughts are with you.
 
#30 ·
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and heartbreak. We all truly understand how you feel, because we are all in various stages of grieving and healing. Mattie was beautiful; sweet, sweet face. We lost our Buddy 13 months ago and I am still missing him so. Grief is a process and you will go through many feelings for a long time. I am coping better now, but there is still a lingering sadness from his loss. I too believe we will be reunited someday, and pray that my loved ones in heaven are watching over him. Be kind to yourself and don't second guess...it only brings pain and no real answers. After being a member of this forum for over a year now, I have come to the conclusion that all these members are great Moms and Dads to their fur babies. We all loved, took care of, walked, played with, .......Cherished our Goldens. We will always remember them, love them, and hold them in our hearts. Your Mattie knew this too. I pray for all of us every night..we will get through this together. Hugs to you too!
 
#31 ·
God bless your soul and your beautiful furbaby. I have learned that we all feel the exact same regardless of how our golden loves left us. I lost my Chopper last Thanksgiving and it was the most dreadful time in my life. He was so very missed and I felt so very robbed. It was just him and I and suddenly it became just me... I wasn't sure how to cope. A couple months later I decided I needed a new friend, and boy has he brought such joy (and exasperation at times) but he did help me. Last week my mothers Golden (my new boys sister) and her best friend Angus were struck and killed by a car. They gave chase on a deer and got very very lost and very very far... My mother (whose children are all grown up) had been in the fetal position for days. Her grief was incredibly over-powering to life. She could not function. For 3 decades there were always furry feet in the house... I had to explain that the quiet to me was the hardest part. We had to get her a new furry friend. We couldn't see her a mess and needed to give her something to get out of the corner for. Losing a furbaby is almost like losing a child... We aren't ever the same. Everything about our life suddenly changes. Taking time to write on here helped me so much. Also continuing to support people whom have lost their loves makes me feel as though I am giving back in a small way. You had a beautiful baby girl and she wont soon be forgoten. Bless you tonight. I will take an extra moment to pray for you, that the burden of loss will lessen with the coming days.
 
#32 ·
God Bless You

God bless each one who has reached out to me in my time of need .. your kindness is such a comfort to me .. this morning I woke up once again with that hollowness in the pit of my stomach.. and felt the dreaded pain of realizing Mattie isn't going to be there.. Every morning as we went downstairs, we had this little 'routine' .. I would sit down on the top step, and she would stand on my lap and look out the window... we just has so many rituals that may seem trivial to many, but to me and her was our world.. I am no stranger to grief, having many of my close family members who have passed ... and it just never gets easier with the next one.. seems the older I get, the tougher it is to get thru losses.. I try to explain to people just how speical all goldens are, but until you've given your heart to one, and been blessed with their love, it seems they can't understand.. to me goldens are one of God's greatest creations... Prayers of comfort and peace to everyone on this journey of grief that we never want to take ... {{{{hugs}}}} sheebamattiemom
 
#36 ·
Finding it harder to cope ..

Hurting so bad again today .. the silence in this house is deafening. The life of our home has left, and it's unbearable here without her presence... I need her back so bad .. She was my shoulder when I needed comforting... now I don't have that .. Strange how even the best of my friends don't seem to have a clue as to the depth of my loss ... and not my dh either.. I woul greatly appreciate any comforting words today ...
 
#38 ·
Your body misses the rituals and routines, even to where your muscles remember to step over a sleeping dog. One thing you might try is different activities than what you're used to. If you fed Mattie at certain times, be out of the house at those times....go for a walk, go to the grocery store, the gym, anywhere that will change up the routine. If your heart could take it, go volunteer as a dog walker at your local shelter. For some, being with, petting and talking with dogs helps ease the disastrous grief. Me, I couldn't even walk around "our" park for many months or put my hands on another dog. For others, it's imperative to seek out a new dog to love, in honor of their love for the angel pup. I think this works wonders in the healing department, but it took me eight months. This awful, devastating grief will ease, and remember, it's a testament to a great love.
 
#39 ·
SheebaMattieMom,

I'm thanking you in your own post for your words to me in my thread on my loss of my dog Jasper more than 12 months ago. I know you are where I was a year ago, and it is a difficult journey, to say the least. You're in the shock/misery stage where getting through the days is hard. I'm guessing that you have waves of intense grief the way I did then; during that time the longing for my dog was so strong that I would literally beg him to let me know he was out there somewhere, somehow. And I'm not a terribly religious person!

I wish I could be there and sit and talk to one another and offer understanding and comfort.

I know I wanted to think about a new puppy almost reflexively, as a sort of shelter from the intense pain. My husband was not ready, so we did not; still, I feel that I was in no way thinking I could replace him--that would be impossible--I just wanted to be able to put my cheek against a furry ruff, to experience all things dogly. I think this past year would have been easier with a furry companion. In any event, if you find yourself thinking about another pup, give yourself full permission to do so; that's my opinion.

Again, I offer understanding, sympathy and--well, I have been there. Be as kind to yourself as you can, whatever that means--extra cups of tea, a massage, nights out with friends, whatever helps.

However, honestly, this reminds me that I had to retreat from much company for awhile, because I was just not able to be around people that did not understand. I went back to my book group after three months, and the first thing that happened was that someone asked me what my dog's last illness was. When I said "brain tumor," the women in the group began a discussion about how common brain tumors were becoming in the human population, almost like a clinical discussion of the phenomenon. It was awful--I left early and avoided the group after that. They weren't dog people, so they didn't really understand how much I was suffering.

Anyway, please know that I do understand and care. Hugs--

Jane
 
#40 ·
You say so much that is true with me also. What you said about Goldens being God's greatest creation is so true -- I always say that Goldens are gifts from God. And like you I am retired and looked forward to spending more time with my golden who was to have surgery. Unfortunately, the day the surgery was scheduled, a "routine" chest xray revealed two masses in his chest -- lung cancer. I felt like my world was turned upside down. He is still with me, but we are nearing the end. I hope soon you will be able to smile through your tears.
 
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#41 ·
Sorry for your loss
 
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#42 ·
I am very sorry for your loss of Mattie. I know how you feel, my light turned off on May 15th 2011, still miss my Buddy and think of him every day. I am adding your girl to GRF Goldens that passed in 2012 list.
 
#43 ·
I have had to say goodbye to 5 dogs that lived well into their teens over the last 17 years. Dog(s) have alawys been a part of my life, ever since I was a child, life is not complete without them. They've always been my best friend, a beloved family member and as I became an adult, they were just like my own child. Each one is very special and unique, you can't replace one with another.

When we said goodbye to our boy, soon to be 2 years ago, I'd forgotten how much it hurt. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it never gets any easier, but at the same time, it's the ultimate gift of love you can give them when they have grown old, feeble, and especially if they are suffering.

Since I had forgotten how much it hurt, it also made me realize that with time, the pain would ease. It did, but it takes time. You need to let yourself grieve, let your heart heal. The memories of Mattie will always be with you, her spirit will forever live in your heart and soul. With time you will find yourself not feeling so lost, the pain will become less bearable, and you will reach the point when you think of them or remember a special moment, you will be able to smile.

I know my boy is still with me, I can feel him, I feel him everyday. We still miss him, I still cry sometimes, and I have days where I really wish he was still here. I found peace knowing he was no longer suffering and that has really helped.

I have a golden girl that I adopted when my boy was alive, she is a former puppy mill momma that will always need to be with another dog. She was grieving and withdrawing after we lost our boy too. Within a few weeks of losing him, I found a young golden boy in my County Humane Society that was in need of a home. Although we weren't ready for him, I adopted him and I knew my girl needed him almost as much as we did.

He helped heal all our hearts, he brought back much needed love and joy into our lives.

I think sometimes people don't realize how much you love a dog or will miss them until they are gone.

Take each day one at a time, give yourself and your heart the time you need to heal. Each day will get a little easier, I know that's hard to imagine right now when you are in so much pain, but the day will come.
 
#44 ·
Missing my Packer

I can understand the hurt everyone who has lost a pet feels. Two months ago today, I had to say goodbye to my best friend Packer. She meant the world to me, whether we where fishing or snoozing together she was alwas close by. I think about her and miss her so much. We brought another joy into our lives a few weeks back and even though he has helped to ease the pain, I miss my Packer so much. I guess I can take comfort in knowing we will play catch again. Thoughts and prayers go out to everyone missing their furry best friend.
 
#45 ·
Weeping day ..

My grief has once again been overwhelming today .. I made it thru Mattie's 2 month passing date I thought fairly well, only to fall apart all over again 3 days later.. I am so lonesome for her every day, but today it has just been a day that I can't seem to find any consolation from the grief.. I miss everything about her, and it just seems like a lifetime since I could hold her and tell her how much I love her .. I miss her little fur flying thru the air, her little nose prints on the doors, the sound of her sleeping at night, and the wag of her tail against the side of the bed when she wanted me to get up .. and those long loving gazes from her soulful eyes.. anyone reading this please send up a prayer for me ...

:--sad:
 
#46 ·
My grief has once again been overwhelming today .. I made it thru Mattie's 2 month passing date I thought fairly well, only to fall apart all over again 3 days later.. I am so lonesome for her every day, but today it has just been a day that I can't seem to find any consolation from the grief.. I miss everything about her, and it just seems like a lifetime since I could hold her and tell her how much I love her .. I miss her little fur flying thru the air, her little nose prints on the doors, the sound of her sleeping at night, and the wag of her tail against the side of the bed when she wanted me to get up .. and those long loving gazes from her soulful eyes.. anyone reading this please send up a prayer for me ...

:--sad:
I just wanted you to know that I and many others here know exactly how you feel....we are part of a club who no one wants to belong to and we understand your pain.

When we share a love so pure and so deep, saying good bye is beyond excruciating.

I lost my beautiful Yaichi about 7 months ago, to what I believe in retrospect was hemangio, with no warning.

I won't retell my story here, only to say that I still lie in bed at night, feeling guilty for not knowing, for not doing things better, for not being able to save her....and I still cry, cry, cry all the time missing her, even though I have a wonderful new golden baby Brisby in my life.

Before I ramble too much, what I want to say is this: I/many of us know exactly how you feel...you are not alone. Don't let anyone tell you that you are grieving too long, too much etc., as everyone has their own way and their own time.

For me, everytime I read about another Golden here who has gone to the bridge, my heart mourns for my Yaichi and for all the others and the pain experienced by those who are left behind.

I don't think we ever really get over a loss which hits us at the soul level...we just learn how to live with it.

I do believe our precious fur babies who have crossed the bridge know how much we love them and miss them. I also believe they would not want us to be in the pain we are in, but would prefer we remember them with love, reverence and to pass it forward until we meet again...which I believe we will.

After 2 months of my constant crying and grief after loosing Yaichi, my boys insisted I get another Golden Pup, hence puppy Brisby.

I know it's not for everyone, however it really did help me by allowing myself to honor Yaichi's memory by trying to give a new GR pup a wonderful life full of love in her name..and because of her....and it did help ease some of the pain, although at certain moments everyday, still after 7 months I break down and cry, despite the love I feel for my new girl.

Be kind to yourself. Trust that your sweet Mattie knew you loved her with all your heart and then some. Know that she knows and knew that you would have moved heaven and earth for her if you could.

Grieve, cry...do whatever helps work through the pain at your own time and know that we all know exactly how you feel.

Sending you love and hugs.
 
#47 ·
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down today. I do know how you are feeling though, I have been there. It does get better with time, but it never fades all the way...please remember that you will see your sweet pup again at the Rainbow Bridge. I try to keep that in my mind.
I have gotten two more Goldens since my Sandy girl passed...misty and Holly and they help me feel good, they do not take Sandy's place, but they are special to me and I'm happy. I'm praying for you.... Xxoo
 
#48 ·
Sheeba/Matties's Mom. I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with Mattie's passing. Two months is not a long time. You got some good words from Yaichi's Mom. I also believe that you need to just cry when you need to. I lost my Harley on January 9 so it has only been a month and he is the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and I fall asleep thinking of him. I allow myself to think of Harley and sit and remember his silly antics and try to remind myself how lucky I was to have him even though it was far too short a time. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
#49 ·
Thank you'all so much ...

Thank each of you for your kind encouraging words, thoughts and prayers for me .. it touches my heart so much to know you understand and really do care.. and it really does help me bear the sadness a little better .. This has been the longest 2 months .. I think to myself has it really just been that long since I last held her .. just seems like a lifetime, but yet the hurt is as deep as it was then .. I appreciate all of you more than words can express ...
 
#50 ·
sheeba/mattiemom, I am very sorry you have hard time. Just let you know you are not alone. After so many days I had very hard day today too. Hope tomorrow we have a better day. Hugs.
 
#51 ·
sheebamattiemom, know exactly how you feel...most family and friends don't understand the depth of pain and heartache you feel when you've lost a beloved pet. The only person I could talk to was my neighbor, who understood perfectly, having lost a few of her dogs the past couple of years. They were her babies and best friends..she got it. Finding this forum helped me immensely. You can talk about your feelings, post pictures, remember milestones and everyone related to what I was going through. It certainly helped with my grieving for Buddy. The way I got through it was one day at a time. And after 14-1/2 months, still missing my boy very much, but healing. There is no easy way through this, but I hope you can feel the caring, and comfort that is being wished for you, from all of us! ((HUGS))
 
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