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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by vcm5 View Post
I have a different opinion actually. I think that you should send the email, but instead of just saying that you didn't like her, focus on what went wrong with the visit. Don't say "I don't think she's right for you because of blah blah blah." Instead, say "I love you very much and we love to get to know those who are so important to you, but I want to let you know that we had some problems with the visit. I want to let you know this so that you can consider these problems so that the next visit can be more successful." Then detail the problems you had specifically with the visit.

I know that "stay out of it" is safe advice, but if I brought a new boyfriend home and it went over terribly, I would want someone to tell me. I wouldn't want them to just tell me to dump him, but I'd want to know why the visit went badly and what specifically was a problem.
Love is blind. That's the reality - and in the beginning of a relationship, it's so blind that you can't see the truth even if it smacks you in the face. I'm sure he knows that the visit wasn't successful, but right now he's most likely blaming everyone but himself and the girlfriend. I don't think anyone is saying to not address the problems, it's just the method that's in question. An email is kinda cold, I think. You can't hear inflections, you can't see expressions, it's very hard to interpret words on a screen - and things can be taken the wrong way. I think it's much better to have the talk in person, or over the phone.
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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 11:26 AM
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I guess I'm the odd one out. I'm super close with my little brother (we've even lived together) and I straight up tell him if I don't like someone he's with.


Sometimes he agrees, sometimes he disagrees, but he almost always breaks it off like 2 weeks later.

He's always seeked my approval for some reason LOL.

So I would totally send the email if it were my brother. She sounds like a stuck up nutcase.

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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 11:45 AM
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See, I'd approach it by phrasing it differently. Since you said your brother was being a twit during their visit, I'd ask him up-front "hey, what's up? Everything ok at work? You were acting really weird when you came home, you totally blew mom off, etc. etc". Give it a chance to open up as a conversation where he can vent to you (that's what siblings are for right?).

If he mentions that his girlfriend is stressing him out, that's when I'd gently mention something about how she seemed a little high-strung (LOL) when she came to visit and then segue into telling him one or two specifics ("well, she was cursing a lot around the family, and she was being awfully hard on you..."). I wouldn't mention more than maybe two or three at most things your family noticed; too much makes it sound like you guys had a laundry list and absolutely hated her. And as others said, I'd definitely have a few compliments on hand as well, so if he said "she's really a great girl" you could respond with "yeah, she seems really smart" or something.

If he doesn't mention her, then at the very least you've pointed out to him that he wasn't acting like himself around his family and you've helped him unload some steam. But I'd definitely make it a phone call!

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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 12:01 PM
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See, I'd approach it by phrasing it differently. Since you said your brother was being a twit during their visit, I'd ask him up-front "hey, what's up? Everything ok at work? You were acting really weird when you came home, you totally blew mom off, etc. etc". Give it a chance to open up as a conversation where he can vent to you (that's what siblings are for right?).

If he mentions that his girlfriend is stressing him out, that's when I'd gently mention something about how she seemed a little high-strung (LOL) when she came to visit and then segue into telling him one or two specifics ("well, she was cursing a lot around the family, and she was being awfully hard on you..."). I wouldn't mention more than maybe two or three at most things your family noticed; too much makes it sound like you guys had a laundry list and absolutely hated her. And as others said, I'd definitely have a few compliments on hand as well, so if he said "she's really a great girl" you could respond with "yeah, she seems really smart" or something.

If he doesn't mention her, then at the very least you've pointed out to him that he wasn't acting like himself around his family and you've helped him unload some steam. But I'd definitely make it a phone call!
I do like this approach.

Out of everything you posted about there visit, the thing that got me most was that she LEFT TWO YOUNG CHILDREN on Christmas!!! Unless, it was some type of custody arrangement. what type mother would do that????

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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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I do like this approach.

Out of everything you posted about there visit, the thing that got me most was that she LEFT TWO YOUNG CHILDREN on Christmas!!! Unless, it was some type of custody arrangement. what type mother would do that????
That is what I thought, but she mentioned that her ex had them for Thanksgiving...and they were at her parents' house for Christmas...I get the impression that her kids are "in the way"...she mentioned that instead of doing the college thing first, she had kids first, then went to college, and that they are in daycare from 8am-6pm 5 days a week so she can go to school...I know that none of her classmates have kids...my brother doesn't have kids...
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cubbysan View Post
I do like this approach.

Out of everything you posted about there visit, the thing that got me most was that she LEFT TWO YOUNG CHILDREN on Christmas!!! Unless, it was some type of custody arrangement. what type mother would do that????
I liked the approach of if he brings her up, I would be honest, but gentle.
Chances are that he will do what he WANTS to do, regardless of what you think or say. I, too, was shocked that she would leave two young children at Christmas and I think the AGE DIFFERENCE between them is too much!
I also hate the fact she kept putting him down and kept mentioning how old he is. Can you imagine what she will say when he is 60 and she's 47.

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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 12:20 PM
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double post....

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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-03-2013, 05:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vcm5 View Post
I have a different opinion actually. I think that you should send the email, but instead of just saying that you didn't like her, focus on what went wrong with the visit. Don't say "I don't think she's right for you because of blah blah blah." Instead, say "I love you very much and we love to get to know those who are so important to you, but I want to let you know that we had some problems with the visit. I want to let you know this so that you can consider these problems so that the next visit can be more successful." Then detail the problems you had specifically with the visit.

I know that "stay out of it" is safe advice, but if I brought a new boyfriend home and it went over terribly, I would want someone to tell me. I wouldn't want them to just tell me to dump him, but I'd want to know why the visit went badly and what specifically was a problem.
I'm with you in terms of speaking candidly and loving IF ASKED, but I'd advise against doing it in an email. It should be at minimum a phone conversation, and best a face to face. But only if the question is asked.

But I really come down on the side of speaking up if I see a train wreck about to happen to someone I love. I've thought about this a lot. There have been times when people held their tongue and then loosed their tongue after the I broke up with the guy. Now THAT really ticked me off!
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2013, 05:40 PM
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I'm in agreement as well with some of the people above me - if things go south with this girl you have to resist the urge (and it will be SO HARD) not to tell him you knew she was a witch. That's just pouring salt in a wound.

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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2013, 06:00 PM
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Just remember that while he is reading your email or listening to you expound on her shortcomings,
she will have her hand on his upper inner thigh......

So, best not to say anything. After a while the lust period will end, and he will begin to see her for what she is.
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