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I have braced myself for this day for so long

31K views 333 replies 49 participants last post by  cgriffin 
#1 ·
I have braced myself for this day for so long as Tia is now 12.
The vet thinks Tia has cancer:(

She developed a lump on her side (muscle) which has increased significantly over the past month or so. We thought that it was just another fatty tumor. However apparently it is full of blood and it is growing. The vet thinks that it could be hemangiosarcoma.

The thought of her suffering is unbearable. I have no idea what to expect. I am wondering if it is safe to let her jump out of the car?

She has a history of partial seizures, panting and feeling hot to the touch. We are wondering how this all fits together. She does sometimes talk out of the blue. Other than this she is not miserable or lethargic. She loves to go on walks and her sparkly personality still shines through.

Can anyone offer any insight of what we might expect?
What do you wish someone told you when you first found out?

We have just put an order in for some Yunnan Biayoa and tumeric/curcumin.
 
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#301 ·
One thing that came to my mind as I held the first box with our first golden's ashes in it was that he truly is a spiritual being. 12 years on, he still lives in our hearts, his spirit just as strong as it was when he lived in a physical form.

God bless. We'll continue holding you in our thoughts and prayers. :)
 
#303 ·
Thinking of you. It really is very bittersweet bringing their ashes home :( very difficult indeed. It does help though as you know that she will be back home with you, where she loved to be and where she belongs.

It's been over a year now since Daisy left us and everything about her is still crystal clear. It's hard to believe that so long has passed without her and there is now a little golden bundle of energy bounding around. Sammy has only been here for a week but we can already see some of Daisy's little characteristics in him. Time really will help you and you will always be able to feel Tia's presence around you when you need her most. I'm glad you have Hudson to comfort you too at this difficult time. Take care, we understand how you are feeling so very well.
 
#304 ·
One week on as we close another chapter and plant our memorial rose, "Double Delight" we still live in a surreal state, trying to hold our heads up high like Tia always did but I can't help feeling broken or incomplete no matter what I rationally tell myself about the inevitable cycle of life and death.

It is now that most of our friends and family have passed on their condolences and the silence and stillness has returned as the dust settles. It is so heartwarming to see that you guys still remember us but to everyone else we seem like old news, way, way back in the archives of the Facebook pages. Things seem to return to normal but things are not normal for us. We are no longer the people that we used to be, our routines are similar yet so different.

I feel as though I look different to others because inside I feel strange. I feel like my heart is bleeding under my shirt and yet I'm trying to limp on. You never know when the pangs and tears will hit. Today a bubbly waitress enthusiastically told me how beautiful my dog is. Then it hit me that I really do only have one single lone dog. I am so used to hearing how beautiful my dog(s) (plural) are. That one small well meaning detail (s) sent an arrow through my heart. It also must seem weird to others as we turn up to gatherings with one dog but they don't point it out out of politeness. It is all so odd that they must not feel her like we do.

Yes Karen, thank goodness we have Hudson. When we got him I knew that he would have an important job to be our support during this time in our lives just as we are for him. He is such a good boy full of sweet, love and gentleness with a hint of crazy fun for good measure. He is enjoying the extra attention and not having to share the car seat or wait for pats. Holdaisy I hope that you are enjoying your precious little nugget who I'm sure has already weaved himself into your heart:)

Buddy's Mom Forever, you are so right the emotions we go through are so fluid with good proud moments to moments of sorrow, then back to pride.
Danny, I know from experience that in some ways the spiritual bond gets even stronger but it feels so odd right now through this adjustment phase but we will get there.

Tia would often return from a stroll outside covered with blue plumbago flowers. We will never know why she found that bush so interesting or how she managed to get so many of them stuck to her soft fur. As we plant Tia's rose and scatter her ashes next to the plumbago bush I pray that I never forget the look that she would give me, checking up on me to see if everything is ok and the upward gaze to say I'm happy because you are happy. I feel that protective 'look' around me but I know that at some point this memory will fade but I shall hold onto it for as long as I can.

Thanks again for your continuing support and for keeping us in your thoughts,
best wishes from our home to yours.
 
#305 ·
You hurt so badly because you love so much. You are in the top 1% of people in the world who love their fur kids that much and would go to the lengths you have. :)

After Hudson has a little time to be your 'super special boy' perhaps one day you'll feel like taking in another golden who needs so badly the kind of love you have to give ... and give Hudson a play buddy.

When we've lost a golden, adopting another someone else threw away gave us purpose and them a shot at a life they may not have had otherwise. It honored the memory of the golden we lost. What they would have wished we'd do instead of feeling sad for a really long time.

God bless you. So many of us who have known the pain you feel care about you :)
 
#306 ·
Oh Doug, I am so sorry it's so hard. Of course, with the level of love we share with our special dogs it will never be anything but that and even so, it's so life changing and devastating. There will always be things that dig deep and leap at you when you least expect it. After nearly three years there still are with my Cracker. The way you write about Tia reminds me so much of Cracker, always beside me at times of illness or sadness and full of fun and determination, including throughout her long battles with cancer too.
There are no rules in grief. Tia held your heart and will continue to do so..in the most unexpected ways and at the most unexpected of times. Hudson will make your days brighter and you will do the same for his,..right now these are your needs of each other and they will change as you all have to adapt to your loss and change in your lives. We are all here for you all of the time, feeling your pain and sharing it with you. Tia was special, Hudson is too..and you all are to us.
 
#307 ·
The thougt and vision of Tia covered in blue plumbago flowers made me smile. :)
I think it is a very beautiful gesture of scattering Tia's ashes around the plumbago bush and planting a memorial rose for her. Both have a beauty that will always remind you of Tia :)

I am also happy that you have Hudson to comfort you. Maybe you could post some more pics of your boy?

Keeping you in my thoughts, wishing you a beautiful day with nothing but sweet and beautiful memories of Tia and making more memories with Hudson.

Hugs to Hudson and hugs to you:)
 
#308 ·
Doug, I am so sorry for your pain. As I read your posts I feel as though you are in my heart and head expressing exactly how I feel with the loss of my Bridgett. Tia certainly had a wonderful life with you I know and is running free of pain. I feel so much gloom and sadness, the grief I have is at times unbearable. As I watch the world around me just keep moving as usual, I don't know how to face the day, it's just so strange. You will be in my prayers as I pray and pray and pray for some sort of comfort to get me through this.
 
#310 ·
I felt that it was very important to include details about the aftermath of cancer and dealing with the empty firsts all alone in this thread as this is my reality right now and it comes up so often in this forum.

Cancer is not only a physical battle but a powerful mental one. However, it is time to start to draw this thread to a close for now as Tia does not have cancer any more and It is time for me to 'golden up' and be the boss of my own thoughts and honor her the right way full time.

I feel her getting a bit frustrated at me for not fully appreciating the fact that she is now able to jump on the bed, dance, roll over, beg and visit freely. Just like Patrick Swayze in the movie Ghost. I imagine her trying to get my attention and barking at me and telling me she's fine. Some people have kindly told me that they have told their pups that have gone before to show Tia the ropes of heaven. I love imagining that Tia is chasing squirrels with Charlie and Sabrina along with a gaggle of our other goldens getting up to chaotic mischief. I selfishly want her here with me but I cannot deny her of this.

In the spirit of appreciation and gratefulness of what Tia used to get up to and what she is still probably doing I was inspired by a recent thread "What quirks does your golden have?" I began to collect photos that made Tia so 'Tia' and made a few notes but then I realised that as they say "You just had to be there" and that "Photos do not do her justice." Nevertheless I'll reveal them anyway and hopefully you will feel the sweetness behind each photo. Hopefully they spark sweet memories of your own charming goldens. Christa I also included some photos of Hudsie for you.

On the note of getting another dog (which also comes up so often on forums) I fully support it and it is never too soon. Goldens are great healers. I would only hesitate if you already have an elderly dog in your home as you may need to but it on hold for the sake, peace and respect for the existing dog. Golden pups are a handful and can be unrelenting. I do believe that dogs find you. You can hear them tapping on your heart and will not give up until you make that call. Ssacres and 4Goldens do you have this feeling? I have not felt that pull yet, probably because Hudson is already here but yes I am inspired by Danny's and Princess Di's fairytale rescue stories so this might be on the cards ... one day.

It is hard to do justice to Tia but hopefully through these photos you can see
Tia's strength and confidence in any situation
the way Tia's hair blew in the wind.
her furry feet.
her love of swimming despite how cold it may have been.
the way she was always ready to catch a flying nugget from the dinner table.
that we took her everywhere. People would allow her in their shop and we even took her inside a wine tasting room once.
her side ways look checking up on us.
the way she hated to miss out on any action.
her fuzzy head, especially the mane behind her ears.
the way that she loved ducks and hated seeing bread go to waste on them.
her love of the car.
the way she would carry toys in her mouth and squeal when we got home.
the fact that she could roll over.
the way she would beam when being lavished with attention.
the way she would suck on toys in her basket like a tiny kitten and
the way she would flag her fuzzy ears if she wanted something on our plate.

Check out her second website link underlined here: Tia&Hudson

Life is about doing your best to built and create your own joy while seizing the day with what you have. You are already one step ahead of the rest by sharing your life with a golden. My life is much richer from having known Tia.

May you continue to have the most wonderful time with your fur buddies right up til the very end. Even on the last day Tia continued to warm my heart and make me proud. Thank you for being such amazing people and for restoring my faith in the human kind:) Once again your thoughts and candles have amazed me:)
 
#315 ·
I'm in tears looking at the pictures of beautiful Tia and Hudson. It is so hard when you loose them. I hope that you find comfort in the wonderful life that you gave your girl. That and the love that you shared, jumps right out of the pictures. Keeping you in our thoughts at this difficult time.
 
#317 ·
When Tia passed, I knew your pain from a few years ago when I last lost an animal. However, just losing my Penny I real feel your pain. It feels as if someone has ripped your heart out of your chest. I am so happy you have Hudson. (and I have Luna) Having another dog provides so much comfort when one passes. The other dog also keeps you busy. How old is Hudson? Has he been somewhat confused from Tia’s passing?
When you talked about how it hit you that you no longer have multiple dogs, it hit me as well. It is a weird feeling, and it hurts to think we only have one. I may of missed it, but what are your plans with Tia’s ashes?
 
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#318 ·
Lauren I really feel for you as it was about your age that I lost my first real heart dog. Then later I lost another everyday buddy and now T. It does bring back all of the memories and lessons of the previous losses.

Somehow knowing what to expect (even though I was dreading it at the same time) made things a bit easier. I knew that deciding to let go would be painful, then the lack of nursing and emptiness would hit, as well as all of the firsts. I also remember the pain as the dust settles and everything goes quiet as the world moves on without them. However, I had forgotten how hard it was to tell people as it will be for you at the nursing home. I remember feeling shell shocked then and this time I still do. I remember trying to keep busy to keep my head above water but this time I don't have the energy.

I think about Tia constantly (as usual). Most of the time I have wised up to the fact that she really is a part of me. I can still remember her reassuring looks. I feel her with me even though she is not physically here like I did when I went out to dinner parties, went to work or went shopping without her. The gazillion of photos I took of her while she was here help me keep her memory alive. I think about what she would be doing if she was still here. Then I realise that she would be resting in her favourite spot (not too close but not too far away) and not be such a bundle of nerves like me.

However, sometimes I am shocked and wonder what the hell happened. Hudson is two. In the same way I have looked in amazement and often asked my sweet and wonderful 'little' boy over the years 'Where did you come from and how did you get here?' I have to remind myself that Tia is now in the magical place where Hudsie once was. A place that human's limited brains cannot fathom. Nor are we supposed to otherwise most of us would want to skip straight there. It is funny how you hear so many nice sayings about dealing with stress yet they carry so much more meaning at times like these eg "At least she is free from pain."

As with Tia I wish they would talk! I am sure that Hudson is missing his rock and anchor as I am but there are no obvious tell tale signs. He has mellowed a little. Tia would throw a party when I came out of the shower, or when someone was at the front door, or was out and about greeting people. He cannot feel her joy and high energy so these times are a lot more settled.

We ended up putting Tia's ashes under a rose in the back garden. I thought that it would be in the front garden as it was her favourite but the last minute we decided to keep her with us at the back opposite a plumbago bush which turned out to be more private. We also scattered some forget me not seeds that the vet gave us. It has been surprisingly nice to go out there every day to water it and see the rose gain strength.

Thanks Lauren, it is great to hear from you:) I wish you all the very best in your journey. It is different and yet so similar for a lot of people just like our pups. I am glad to hear that Luna is proving to be a great source of healing for you as you must be for her. Best wishes to you and your family!!
 
#319 ·
Doug, I missed your post about Tia's passing. I'm so so sorry. You did so much for her but I know it was hard to release her. I just looked over your photos and she was a such a sweetheart. I'm glad you have Hudson with you and lots of good memories of Tia to make you smile. Someday you should post a picture of the rose when it blooms.
 
#323 · (Edited)
Thank you OutWest :)

To our surprise Tia's rose is already in bloom. It has the most heavenly scent ( just as I imagine your roses to smell like Lucy:) ). It also has the most wonderful buttermilk centre which is hard to capture in photos. At the moment our "Double Delight" rose bush is only small as it is a young standard but in time it will stand out as a tall strong bush with a full head of perfectly formed heads with its pop of colour that magically changes each day from a buttercup cream to red as it ages. Tia is a strong and out going soul with many delightful layers to her character and this rose will reflect this.
Hudson and I often go out there and visit this sunny spot just like we did with Tia who often lead us to this place.

A link to photos of Tia's rose is underlined here: Tias Double Delight

:wave:
 
#320 ·
I want to post what I've read in one of those books.
I learn that "this numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe."

It later says:
The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone loved dies. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event, be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

Hugs.
 
#332 · (Edited)
Your words continue to ring true.

But I must confess, things have changed in the last few weeks as the sorrow suddenly strikes when you least expect it as the brace is gradually released. It is more intense now as the protective shock has started to lift. Now I feel great moments of pain for the hardship Tia went through when I least expect it. I surprised myself by bursting into a flood of tears after unexpectedly walking past the specialists office after getting lost. Flash backs of seeing her collapse was distressing, feeling her mushy hips which had no strength sends painful waves through me and the helpless expression on her face in my minds eye for the last week is extremely hard.

Thankfully these times don't hit too often and we still hold on to the butterfly analogy for the most part, in life she was confined to a limited caterpillar body who was limited to a backyard, in illness she was limited in a cocoon but in death her spirit is now incredibly beautiful and free to visit us as well as heaven just like a butterfly is free to fly without any restrictions.

The millions of photos of her still help me to focus on the good times and her bright smile and happy nature. She is always a part of our conversations as she always has been no matter how busy we are.

Don't cry, we are in a happy/proud (for lack of better words) place right now as are they. A new opportunity has opened up for us after an intense prayer to T, I am thoroughly convinced Tia is behind it all. She knows us so well and she knows what we need.

Our losses are huge but also remember that the people who have lost these magnificent souls have a new powerful angel on their team who now have more power and influence for good things to come into their guardian's lives. They become our guardians. I'm sure that Buddy is continuing to do the same for you.

Thanks again for your wise words that gain power every time I reread them. You are right, we do carry them in our hearts forever and we are not the same people, in many ways we are stronger.

God bless, may the sun shine brightly for you today.:wavey:
 
#321 ·
Thank you for these quotes :) As the saying goes
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

What I am rediscovering is that I am feeling all of these things but I had forgotten that it takes a while for it to stop bouncing from the negative to the positive until it finally rests on the feeling of great pride and joy that I have that soul as a part of my team of angels. I now seem to remember that it takes years before this might happen.

I have always loved this quote that you taught us: "He took my heart and ran with it, and I hope he's running still, fast and strong, a piece of my heart bound up with his forever" - Patricia McConnell
This is another example of it touching me when I first read it but now it has even greater meaning that I didn't realise was possible.

Thank you both:)
 
#322 ·
It is okay, we don’t have to keep our heads above the water. It is okay to feel tired and not have the energy.

I agree, our dogs are apart of us. I believe that we connect with their souls and a part of us is always with them, and a part of them is always with us. Even though they are not with us anymore, they are STILL here. It is just hard to accept that they are not physically here. All of your feelings are mine as well. It is so hard.

Dogs leave earth so soon because they know of that magical place, and they know of their purpose right when they set foot on earth. They complete their purpose so quickly that they are sent right back up to that magical place. We humans don’t get it, and it takes us awhile to get it.

I sure wish our pups could talk as well. I am glad your have Hudson and I have Luna. We need them for support and distraction. How funny you put Tia’s ashes under a rose bush. That is where we put our animals, and where we will put Penny’s! What a great way to remember them by, beautiful life.

I wish you well in your journey as well, Doug. My thoughts are still with you.
 
#326 ·
How perfect that Tia's rose is a Double Delight! Back when I had about 30 rose bushes, several of them were Double Delights, which are among my favorites of all time. They even do well when cut, lasting a few days - especially if you put something like 7-Up in the water to nourish them.

By the way, Don Juans are also fragrant, long-lasting roses that are a deep, velvety red. ;)
 
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