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Lost the Light of my Life ..

4K views 51 replies 33 participants last post by  Qontry 
#1 ·
Mattie 7/3/2002 - 12/7/2012 The light of my life and center of my world
Never thought I'd be grieving and in need of support again so soon .. how quickly 10 1/2 years have gone.. heartbroken doesn't begin to describe, this is a hurt there are no words for.. Dec 7, I lost my precious baby girl Mattie to cancer (vet said hemangiosarcoma, but could not be 100% sure w/o invasive operation which after much prayer we decided not to put her thru).. we didn't know until about 3-4 weeks earlier that she was even sick .. I'm here because there are moments I don't know if I can get thru this .. I don't have a lot of family/friend support.. none that truly understand what I'm going thru like I know the golden Moms here do .. When I lost my Sheeba girl in 2002, my 1st golden baby, the members on ivillage got me thru, and when I found this board I thought some of the member names looked familiar, and I was led to reach out for help once again .. there's so much I want to say about Mattie, but I'm still trying to put words on a gratitude card to all the kind people at my vet's office, and still can't even do that .. I think that putting it in words just makes it too real, too soon .. Mattie was the most kind gentle spirit, and allowed us to experience a little bit of Heaven here on earth ... prayers of comfort for all those grieving this morning... :--sad:sheebamattiemom
 
#3 ·
I'm so very sorry for your loss of Mattie. I agree, the pain, loss, and emptiness you feel is unbearable and there are no words really to describe how you feel.

There are too many of us who know what you're going through, I am one of them. I lost my boy almost 2 years ago at the age of 15.5. We were devastated and miss him everyday.

Time will help ease your pain, each day will get a littler easier, although you will always miss them. I hope the day will come where you will be able to find peace in knowing that Mattie is at the Rainbow Bridge with so many of our Goldens. I find comfort in knowing that my boy is no longer in pain, he is running free, enjoying life like he once did as a pup, and waiting for me to join him.

My heart goes out to you.

Godspeed sweet Mattie
 
#4 ·
I am so very sorry about your loss. It is such a hard thing when we lose our beloved pets. I still cry after 6 months of Allie being gone. I am alone and she was my world. My life still is very empty without my girl. Just be very kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. Do you have another dog? I still had my Bessy so that helped some. It was pretty hard on her too. I am sending hugs and prayers. I do know and feel your pain. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything. Then my vet talked to me and told me Allie wouldn't want me to do that to myself because she loved me so much. She helped me so much to get through the pain. Take care of yourself.
 
#7 ·
Oh, I am sorry and I know that feeling all too well, having lost 3 goldens and now caring for a golden fighting cancer. I think writing helps and even though it brings it all to the front again, at least for me I've always needed to do that. There are excellent threads on this forum and maybe you can begin a thread to put your thoughts into.
 
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#8 ·
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#9 ·
Thank you..

Heartfelt thanks to each one of you who cares and responded so quickly to my cry for help .. Mattie (and Sheeba) were the closest loves I will have to a non-furbaby child, as we do not have children .. and so they both were the center of my life. My heart had forgotten the pain and sadness I went thru when I lost Sheeba, the love of Mattie had crowded out those sad memories I guess, but now I remember all too well .. I'm sorry if I ramble, but I know you'all understand. I think I'm slowly moving into the guilt phase where I always get stuck with any of my grief.. I can barely stand to be at home now, it's just so lonesome .. I have been retired a couple of years, in hopes to have a lot of time to spend with Mattie, and I am very thankful for those 2 extra years, and during this time we had grown even closer if that was even possible.. Oh how she loved me and I couldn't save her ... this pic was taken Nov 17 ..u can see what a sweetheart .. I don't know how to stop crying... Thank you for caring... sheebamattiemom
 

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#14 ·
Welcome to the forum. My heart aches for you and I'm glad that you have found this community, where we do understand what you are going through. I hope that you will share more photos and stories about your lovely girl and let us help you work through your grief.
 
#15 ·
Just know that as we are reading your posts, all of us are grieving along with you. Some as long as years and some like me, as of two weeks ago. so keep writing as it allows you to think out loud and get those thoughts out. Just putting them out there helps as you will find others that respond with those same thoughts and knowing your not alone, that someone does understand, does seem to help. we are all taking it one day at a time and hoping that we can find our way. I watched made a video we made of her last days, (which almost killed me when my 4 year old golden walked up to the tv because he recognized her and him) started writing my thoughts in this forum to share my grief and began writing down my 100 favorite memories of her as I remembered them (so I won't forget) which I will laminate and place under her urn (which is what I did with my last golden). Everyone has a different way to grieve and you have to find yours in your own way and time. I hope this helps you.
Fred
 
#16 ·
So saddened that another beautiful girl, your Mattie ,has gone to the bridge. Sadly, like so many others here we have let 5 goldens go to the bridge, and the pain and the hurt that there loss leaves behind never goes away, but we do get a little bit better at coping with it.

When we lost Ginny (probably to the same as Mattie), a few days later I said to our vet that I would give anything to have my girl back again for just an hour, and he said to me "would you bring her back knowing she would be in pain and suffering?" and I was forced to admit that no, I wouldn't want that for her. Try and focus on your happy times, let your grief and tears flow free, and take comfort that people here understand what you are going through


Mom, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colourful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, Mom, I'm everyplace!

(author unknown to me)
Run free and sleep softly Mattie
 
#20 ·
Thankful Heart

I'm overwhelmed with all your kind comforting words.. I hope I am replying correctly, if not someone tell me .. I'm feeling so guilty that I didn't know that was the day... I SHOULD'VE known.. She was looking at me in a way she never had before, and did a couple of other things during the day that I SHOULD have known that was her last day, and that is tearing me apart right now ... our b/r where Mattie always slept is upstairs, so after we found out about her tumors, I started sleeping with her every night in our downstairs den ..just to save her from going up the stairs .. several nights, I layed right beside her, listening for her every breath, fearing it would be the last .. I did that for at least 2 1/2 weeks, then one night I went upstairs to bring down my pillow, etc., and I turned around and there she was! Upstairs .. so we started letting her sleep upstairs again... right beside us of course .. not in our bed, she never would do that, I started when she was a baby, but she didn't like it up there .. so she always slept in her bed right beside ours.. after that I would still wake up numerous times during the night and hold my breath to hear her breathe, and then I would say a thank you prayer when I heard her breathing ... the last night, she wanted to go 'nite nite' pretty early which wasn't that unusual .. so she and I went upstairs thru our normal routine about 8:30 .. dh came to bed about 9:30 and she was still in her bed then and seemed to be ok ... then at about 10:05 we both were awakened ... we both jumped up, and I knew it was the end .. she had moved to another spot in the floor where she sometimes slept, and I fell to the floor beside her, and she breathed a few short breaths and I held her and whispered I loved her, and she was gone .. I feel so bad that I didn't wake up sooner .. Please someone tell me that was the way it was supposed to happen, I can't cope with thinking I let her down .. She had almost 4 weeks of happiness that she wouldn't have had if we'd put her thru the surgery .. which may have given her max 2-3 months if she had survived the surgery .. but I don't know what quality of life she would have had either .. I try to find comfor in knowing she was happy and at home where she felt safe and secure.. she never liked going to the vet and I couldn't bear for her last hours to be spent somewhere that was scary to her .. I rarely left her side during the last 4 weeks... and when I did not more than it took to go to grocery store for more chicken.. I am a Christian, and I am a believer that our furbabies are in heaven ... I know that I will see her again, and that Sheeba, and my Mom & Dad are taking good care of her .. When my Dad who was about 85 at the time had major surgery due to a tractor accident, he lived with us for over a year, and as he was recuperating, he would walk outside around the house several times, and Mattie took every step with him.. that's the love of only a golden heart ... Sorry for the long post.. I have to talk about her, and my dh although is understanding, tires of seeing me grieve.. she loved him, and he, her, but you'all know the bond between only us and our baby...
 

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#21 ·
RIP - Mattie

Her Journey's Just Begun


Don't think of her
as gone away-
her journey has just begun.
Life holds many facets,
the Earth is only one.​

Just think of her
as resting from
the sorrows and the tears,
in a place of
warmth and comfort
where there are
no days and years.​

Think how
she must be wishing
that we could know today,
how nothing
but our sadness
can really pass away.​

And think of her
as living
in the hearts
of those she touched,
For nothing loved
is ever lost-
And she was loved
so much.​

Author Unknown
 
#22 ·
So very sorry for your loss of Mattie, your story is heartbreaking. Lovely photos of her too, thank you for sharing them, I can see what a sweet and gentle little soul she was.

Like many others on here we lost our precious golden almost a year ago now. You have definitely come to the right place where others understand what you're going through. Feel free to post stories and photos both of Mattie and Sheeba, we would love to hear more about them. Time will help you, and remember that they are always watching over you.
 
#23 ·
I am so sorry to hear about Mattie. What a beautiful name and a beautiful girl. I know only too well, as do many on this forum, the intense grief. I lost my Oakley on Nov 23rd and still find it difficult getting through a day without him. Know I am thinking of you. Rest peacefully Mattie.
Carol
 
#24 ·
I'm having a really tough day, as I did yesterday as well ... I went out for a few minutes just to try to collect myself, and then I feel worse because it's so sad coming back to the house where she was always patiently waiting... I find myself still thinking she'll be here when I get home... deep in the bottom of my soul I feel like I have a hollow spot, frightning at times to be in so much anguish.. I can barely bring myself to eat anything.. because Mattie was so much a part of our meals... she got so excited especially for salmon patties... doubt I'll ever be able to fix those ever again ... Please remember me in your prayers tonight .. thanks again for being so understanding and so compassionate .. I realize that many of you are going thru new grief as well, and I will be praying for comfort and peace for all of us ... {{{{hugs to each of you that has been so kind to me}}}} sheebamattiemom
 
#26 · (Edited)
Mattie is beautiful and the picture of her you took in Nov is really breathtaking. I think the fact that you woke up and you were able to be with her when she took her last breath is special -- you were with her and she died peacefully at her home.
 
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